DAYTONA INTERNATIONAL SPEEDWAY, DAYTONA- In what environmental analysts are calling a "landmark decision," President Barack Obama has announced his plan to ban NASCAR and car related races, citing the "environmental impact" that NASCAR is having on "habitable ecosystems."
"My case is simple," said the President on Sunday. "I know that NASCAR does not use natural gas to fuel their vehicles. However, I am aware of post-race celebrations involving the "burning" of tires. This undoubtedly pollutes the air, wastes money, and destroys resources.
"Now, I'm aware that my critics say that I am able to do this because I don't care about NASCAR and its fans. This is simply not true. I myself love NASCAR. For example, this Sunday I watched Dale Gordon Jr. win his first race in a year and a half." The President then smiled, "Good ol' number 28."
Critics of the President's plan have called attention to the fact that this victory celebration is part of tradition, has been happening for decades, and is done by normal citizens in their own cars.
The President dismissed these rebuttals by saying, "The drivers in NASCAR set a bad example for those watching. Little children watching television and witness the abject destruction on tires. And these children grow up thinking it's all right. Well, I'm here to say that it is not all right."
"Don't get me started on how many insects NASCAR kills," the President added.
The passage of the NASCAR No More Bill, as critics call it, is meeting considerable obstacles from the House of Representatives.
"We will not let the President touch our National Pasttime," said Henry E. Brown (R) of South Carolina. "The President doesn't know the feeling of the wind through his hair, the need for speed, and bloodcurdling screams when you hit a wall at 200 miles-an-hour.
"This injustice will not stand," Brown concluded.
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