Recently it has come to my attention that apparently I am a local celebrity among folks that know the Simeon family. Apparently my unquestionably smart behavior that I always exhibit has become things of legend. I plan on being at Stewart’s in Middleburgh on the 30th from noon to three pm if anyone wants autographs. $5 for adults, $20 for little kids. Currently, the plans for a statue of me are on hold due to money “disappearing”, so please contribute immediately.
Anyway, since I know that everyone has boring, depressing lives, here are some gems. More may come later.
1. The Astounding Skiing Adventure, March 2005- After graciously receiving complimentary tickets from my friend Jacob Simeon, I was fortunate enough to ski down Windham. That morning, when Jake woke me up, I was noted to say, “I’m ready to die.”
While at Windham, I was also lucky enough to run into a tree, get stuck in a plastic fence, run into some guy and fall down, ski down a hill backwards, and crash and punch myself in the face, splitting my lip. I was skiing in corduroys, a NY Giants jacket with an Elmer Fudd hat on. I was also remembered as saying that Windham was like nothing compared to all the times I skied in Aspen and the Swiss Alps.
2. Crashing the Go-Kart, Summer 2005- Driving Jake’s Go-Kart, I spun around in donuts in the mud and crashed into a pile of wood, getting it stuck.
3. Amazing BMX Action- Summer 2005- I came down a muddy steep hill filled with ruts in an old bicycle. Using my tremendous biceps, I was able to hold on to the handlebars and make it down alive. Even though we were in the countryside, I could have sworn I heard thunderous applause.
4. BB Gun Wars, Winter 2003- Together with my dear friends Jade, Jake, and Calvin, we practiced for when we get drafted. At Jake’s property, Jade and Calvin teamed up against me and Jake. Of course, to be safe we had a one-pump rule. We also wore goggles, but Jake took his off and thereafter Calvin came six-inches (two Jades) from taking out old Jacob’s right eye. Jake promptly shot Calvin in the hand after pumping about eight times, causing a severe case of stigmata. We chased Calvin and Jade around, causing Jade to fall into pricker bushes and scratch up his face. Jade’s mother called later and thought we beat the hell out of him.
Later on, we had BB Jousting, which was uneventful. Still, it led to Calvin holding a BB pistol to Jade’s head. When warned, he stated, “Don’t worry, the safety’s on.” One-fifth of a second, a BB was propelled into Jade’s temple, which just happened to be one of the most hilarious events in human history.
5. Using the Force, Fall 2005- Feeling the power of the Force, I deftly used a wiffleball bat to deflect paintballs shot at me by Jake and his brother Zach. Out of like 200 shots, I was skilled enough to deflect two.
6. The Haunting, Spring 2004- Riding bicycles with Jake in town, we passed by the house of the infamous local child molester Pat Cascanet. We stopped at the new owners of the abode where a lady was mowing the lawn. I was kind enough to tell her that I heard that the house was haunted. She said she hadn’t heard that, so I asked if she checked the basement. Just about that time I realized that Jake was riding away.
7. The Ghost Car, Summer 2005- After dropping Jade off at home at 10:00 pm, me and Jake realized that someone had pulled up behind us. We were in Zach’s Firebird, so we burned out at 250 horsepower and turned around. After this, we realized that the Ghost Car was following us. Jake almost blew out the engine, propelling us to 90 mph as we tried to escape the Car From Hell. We lost him eventually, but he should have been able to track us from our trails of urine.
8. Gone Swimming, November 2003- Just a day before the BB Gun Wars, Jade, Calvin, and I went to see Jon Paglieri. Jon wasn’t there, so we waited for a while. Then we went for a walk. Then we got impatient. We knew that his German foreign exchange kid Clemens was probably home, so we knocked on the door. Calvin then started kicking the door and demanding soda. We then wandered into the backyard and saw the Paglieri family pool. It had a thin level of ice on top. I was then bet by Jade and Calvin $20 and $10 respectively that I wasn’t man enough to jump in the frigid water. Wearing my jeans and sweater, I jumped in. Calvin tried to fish me out with a garden hose, but it was frozen and just struck me. Eventually I was able to escape the clutches of the above-ground monster. Frozen and full of adrenaline, we ran to the door. Jon then pulled in the driveway. I was frantically asking for a towel, but he was too busy looking at mail. Just then his mother pulled in, so we hysterically ran away through the backyard back to my house.
The next day before BB Gun Wars I apologized to Mr. Jon. Calvin didn’t and was humiliated with his mother and was not only forced to apologize, but not to pay me the ten bucks I rightly earned.
9. The Italian Stallion, Summer 2004- Facing off against the Schoharie County Middleweight Champion, Jacob Simeon. I took a direct hit to the face from his 60” reach. Despite the hit, estimated at 90 mph, I stayed on my feet.
10. The Shot, Winter 2003- During gym class we were playing basketball. Being knocked to my feet, I threw up the ball from beyond free-throw range, over the giant Simeon. Once I got up, I heard the sound of the swoosh. If ESPN got a hold of video of this shot, it would become the standard-bearer of sports feats, beating out Jesse Owens and Babe Ruth’s “Called Shot.”
11. Tradampoline Wrestling, Fall 2003- On Jon’s trampoline, Jake, Jade, Calvin, J-Rod Bender and me wrestled for the Middleburgh Belt. J-Rod had a particular interest in Jake, who kept destroying the future nuclear technician. J-Rod kept shouting, “I’ll be back in 2004!” To this date, he has never returned.
12. One Hit Wonder, Spring 2003- After founding our heavy-metal band “The Broken Roses,” me and Jake recorded our first hit. “Suicide Steve” was recorded on cassette with Jake jamming out and me crooning. This song was played not only in music class, but also in study hall. My good friend Chris Becker told our teacher that the song was about me, even though it wasn’t. Subsequently, I was called to the guidance center during chemistry. The counselor calmly asked me if I was going to machine-gun up the school. I replied, “Probably not.” I was let go without getting sent to a mental institution.
13. Borked and Fonged, Autumn 2003- At Jon’s house while he was playing on his computer, Jake, Calvin, and I had the time of our lives. Calvin was busy taking all of Jon’s sodas from his basement, while Jade was running around with a bow and arrow. Meanwhile, J-Rod Bender was chasing me around screaming, “I am going to bork you.” Afraid for my life and my anus, I promptly did what a real man would: I hid in Jon’s bathroom. I tried to find a way to escape, but the window was too small to climb out of. I told my friends to tell J-Rod that I was in the basement, so they did and he ran down. After that, of course, they shut the door on him but couldn’t lock it. Soon thereafter, my friends went outside and left me in the house alone with the beast. So I reasoned with J-Rod and told him that I would come out if he wouldn’t bork me. He agreed, and I came out. Immediately he grabbed me and dragged me outside behind Jon’s car. I heard my friends playing on the trampoline, so I shouted for help. J-Rod said he was going to fong me. I shouted as he twisted my arm back and lowered me to the ground. I kept shouting that I was serious, but to no avail. Eventually J-Rod let me go and my friends realized that maybe for once in my life I wasn’t joking.
14. Racial Profiling, June 2004- On my way back from our senior trip from Toronto, we stopped at the border. I had sprouted my beard, and naturally was the only student checked on the way back.
15. Whitewater Rafting, Fall 2007- After “borrowing” a boat from Mike Kossow when he wasn’t home, me and Jake paddled our way down the Schoharie Creek. We didn’t drown or get eaten by cannibals, so I was disappointed. I had the particular fortune of driving Jake’s big Chevy Compensator through town. I hadn’t driven stick in a while, so I burned through town, waking some old people.
16. Jihadi Benderball, Fall 2002- In Chemistry, our teacher Marine Sergeant Matty Bender had us hit a balloon like a volleyball and answer questions. So of course, I started shouting “jihad” and other such colorful terms, making everyone either laugh or become uncomfortable. Later in the year, I took my copy of the Koran and would neel and pray at the end of class.
17. Borkball, 2004-2006- Jake and I would often see his little cousins and we’d jump on their trampoline, throwing kickballs at each other. Intelligently, this game is called borkball. It was hilarious this one time when Jake fell through the springs and almost busted his leg. What a great day.
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