How To Survive The Obamaclipse (Part 1 of 2)

Dear Friends,

YES THIS IS A REPOST BECAUSE THE TITLE WAS WRONG THE FIRST TIME AND I AM PICK. PLUS I KNOW I WILL GET MORE HITS NOW. DEAL WITH IT.

I have not been posting on jumpinginpools for a very long time as you may have noticed. I apologize, I was trying to figure out how much bigger Obama's head could get. (And does it deflate if you pull his ears?) I figure by the end of his presidency his head will be big enough to cause an eclipse of the sun, to which I am patenting the name Obamaclipse. To prepare for this unfortunate event, which at this point seems to irreversable, gather food, water and other necessary items that one needs to survive (and don't forget your conservative literature!) In order to survive the events following the Obamaclipse, which will cause global climate changes over a period of eons, find your way to the nearest accesible cave and make it liveable. Start now as this occurence is set to happen in just a few years in 2012The Mayans had it right, just not the right cause) All we can do is wait and see if his head will deflate from being rebuked by people whose heads are not full of air. If this does not happen, prepare for the Obamean Winter, which is caused by the Obamaclipse. Just follow these simple guidelines:

1. Do not, under any circumstance leave the cave unless life threating situations apply
2. Do not let in strangers saying, "We just want to take a quick poll"
3. Pack lots of conservative literature to pass down to future generations so we might actually build a new society on it.
4. Leave behind liberal friends. They are a bad influence on children and feeble minded adults.
5. Remember Obama is watching, so don't go outside, or risk being brainwashed as he loudly proclaims his new world order.
6. Teach future children how to debate against liberal propoganda so they are prepared just in case.
7. Follow the principles and doctrine of the three great conservative minds: O'Reilly, Hannity and Savage (Limbaugh is an idiot easily tricked with a donut. Look up "Rush Punked")
8. Remember if they start to hate, use them for Obama bait.
9. Try to make friends with jihaddis, as they will be your main weapons suppliers and allies against the great Obaminable Monster.
10. Use the buddy system. Obama only preys on weak people who are alone. Do it, do it naooow!


This message brought to you you by the following sponsors:

Republican National Committee
Ralph Nader, 2012 comittee ("16th time is the lucky charm!)
Jumpinginpools.com ("Even in the Obamean winter, we still have nothing better to do")
Matt Avitable for President 2012 commitee
Coca-Cola (Feel refreshed! Keep it in your cave!)
The Boston Red Sox ("Can Obama please eat the Yankees so we can finally win the Series?")
Bill Clinton ("Please re-elect me! I promise I'll only have 2 mistresses this time!")
Marlboro Cigarettes ("Would you rather die of Obamean Winter than cancer? Seriously?")
Bob's Plumbing ("Obama really did plug the hole!")
U.S ARMY ("We train hard, but this guy is too tough for us")

and last but not least.. ME!

I feel bad for CNN.

Note: Below mentioned numbers are from May 19th broadcasts.

Before Dish Network expanded their cheapest coverage to Fox News; I was stuck with CNN and Headline News (usually the latter) on a regular basis, which I could deal with, even though their coverage was liberally biased. So I guess you could say that I have a soft spot for CNN, though I probably will never watch them again.

However, with the latest TV News Ratings being reported from Mediaite; I feel bad for CNN. It's a shame that any television network using their Constitutional right to report news is failing, but it's also justified that this particular television network is failing, due to their disgusting lies and biased reporting.

How bad is it for CNN

5pm - Wolf Blitzer - 506,000 viewers.
6pm - Wolf Blitzer - 509,000 viewers.
7pm - John King - 406,000 viewers.
8pm - C. Brown* - 353,000 viewers.
9pm - Larry King - 420,000 viewers.
10pm - A. Cooper - 560,000 viewers.
11pm - A. Cooper - 362,000 viewers.

Now compare those numbers with Fox News:

5pm - Glenn Beck - 2.2 million viewers.
6pm - Bret Baier - 1.9 million viewers.
7pm - S. Smith - 1.1 million viewers.
8pm - O'reilly - 2.8 million viewers.
9pm - Hannity - 1.8 million viewers.
10pm - Greta - 1.5 million viewers.
11pm - O'Reilly - 1.3 million viewers.

Ouch.

CNN cannot compete with a rerun of Bill O'Reilly, worse; they cannot compete with a rerun of Keith Olbermann. Unless some serious shaking and a switching occurs at CNN immediately, it will go the way of the dodo bird. But such fate can be avoided, if CNN decides to compete in the marketplace instead of pander to the base.

So what must CNN do to survive?

1. Replace John King with a Conservative Populist such as Lou Dobbs.
2. Model their 8pm timeslot like Fox News & hire a fair minded centrist.
3. Replace Anderson Cooper for the 11pm/second hour slot.
4. Hire me to become a columnist, commentator or host on their network**.

It's not rocket science - increase the amount of Conservatism on your network, replace biased liberals with fair and balanced centrists, and compete instead of pander. That's all CNN needs to do to succeed once again.

* - Brown is no longer with the network.
** - Never will happen, but I can hope.


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