BREAKING-- Arlington, VA
After almost ninety years of silence, former President and current zombie Theodore Roosevelt has torn the roof off of his casket and has held a press conference.
Speaking in his characteristic higher-pitched voice and using nineteenth-century slang, Roosevelt spoke in no uncertain terms about Senator McCain, "I've been following the newsreels and I must proceed that John McCain is a true bulwark of American patriotism, and will work to defend all 46 states of our great union."
Roosevelt, a cousin of President Franklin Roosevelt, also stated that Senator McCain's war record was also reason to vote for him on Tuesday. "When I charged San Juan Hill and brought the power of freedom to Cuba, people thought I was a hero. Senator McCain flew in an aeroplane and even used it to kill no-good socialist-anarchists." The preceding President to Roosevelt, William McKinley, was assassinated by an anarchist.
Speaking on a podium, Roosevelt wore his trademark glasses and it was noted that most of his skin still was on his body. His burial suit was in surprisingly good shape. "We must stand for a brighter future." Roosevelt said, "It's getting to late to be doing stuff like this often."
When asked about future plans, Roosevelt stated that he would like to record a Victrola album and hop on the trolley one last time. After that, he has a game of billiards against arch-rival Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary.
