Did the Groundhog See his Shadow?

It's a cherished tradition on February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. A groundhog named Phil pops his furry little head out of the ground and tells us whether or not we'll have six more weeks of winter or if spring will come early.

Well, that's come to an end this year. Punxsutawney Phil did appear out of his little hole this morning, only to keel over dead, grasping his little rodent chest.

"I don't know what happened." said Hannah Jerome, 11, "We were here with the entire elementary school when the funny-looking cat shrieked and fell into the dirt. When our teacher went to go look, she started to cry and shouted that it was 'one of the signs.'"

While Biblical scholars may be divided about a lot of things, one of the clear signals of the Apocalypse, as written by St. John of Lemnos was that a small groundhog would die, portending the rise of Satan.

"I done know who done did this!" shouted local preacher Kenneth Lambeau, "It was that Obama! I done told you that he's them anti-Christ!"

The death of Punxsutawney Phil was a tragedy for the small Pennsylvania town, otherwise known for an offensive sulfur smell. Phil was a mainstay of the community. When asked if the town could get a new groundhog, spokeswoman Kay Rainwater said, "Punxsutawney Phil was born of magic and happiness and has been alive for thousands of years. We can't just replace him."

The death of the groundhog appears to be one of the many appearing signs of the End Times. Among these include the removal of the Baconator from Wendy's menu, the rise of reality television, and the appearance of Jack Black.

"We need to take the biggest shovel we done got and build us a whole fifty cubits deep!" shouted Lambeau, "Repent, the end is at hand!"

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Did the Groundhog See his Shadow?

From a year ago:

It's a cherished tradition on February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. A groundhog named Phil pops his furry little head out of the ground and tells us whether or not we'll have six more weeks of winter or if spring will come early.

Well, that's come to an end this year. Punxsutawney Phil did appear out of his little hole this morning, only to keel over dead, grasping his little rodent chest.

"I don't know what happened." said Hannah Jerome, 11, "We were here with the entire elementary school when the funny-looking cat shrieked and fell into the dirt. When our teacher went to go look, she started to cry and shouted that it was 'one of the signs.'"

While Biblical scholars may be divided about a lot of things, one of the clear signals of the Apocalypse, as written by St. John of Lemnos was that a small groundhog would die, portending the rise of Satan.

"I done know who done did this!" shouted local preacher Kenneth Lambeau, "It was that Obama! I done told you that he's them anti-Christ!"

The death of Punxsutawney Phil was a tragedy for the small Pennsylvania town, otherwise known for an offensive sulfur smell. Phil was a mainstay of the community. When asked if the town could get a new groundhog, spokeswoman Kay Rainwater said, "Punxsutawney Phil was born of magic and happiness and has been alive for thousands of years. We can't just replace him."

The death of the groundhog appears to be one of the many appearing signs of the End Times. Among these include the removal of the Baconator from Wendy's menu, the rise of reality television, and the appearance of Jack Black.

"We need to take the biggest shovel we done got and build us a whole fifty cubits deep!" shouted Lambeau, "Repent, the end is at hand!"

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Joe Writes Book Slamming Gluten Industry

Doctor Joseph H. Chicoine, fresh off of contesting the stolen Senate election in New York is back on the trail, this time touting his new book: Toast: How Big Gluten is Destroying America. Chicoine's book slams the Gluten industry, which willfully advertises the narcotic substance on children's televisions shows and in sports magazines.

"I'm sick and tired of it," Chicoine said, sipping a glass of 1889 Merlot, "They advertise the 'benefits' of a balanced diet-- of a nice big sandwich or a slice of pizza. They should know that any of those could place a person with Celiac's disease, like Kanye West, in a apoplectic seizure."

Chicoine is planning to try and get the Congress to pass new regulations banning gluten or at least placing warning labels on loaves of bread and cracker packages.

"I was thinking 'you will die if you eat this,' on pita bread," he said, "It's the least we can do for an organized and civil society."

He was still bitter over last Tuesday's election results.

"Gillibrand should take the lead on this," he said of his former primary opponent. "It's the least the bitch could do."

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Chicoine Launches Campaign Website

 ONEONTA, NY: Senate hopeful Joseph H. Chicoine IV has launched a website for his quest for the United States Senate. This comes as his campaign, which he started last November, is starting to take off, with more than three people planning to vote for him in the September primaries.

"I didn't have money for anything elaborate," said Joe, "I spent most of my campaign contributions on that pencil to write things on. I had to do things through GoogleSites-- it was free and there's a picture of me with a kitty on it."

Joe's new political site can be found here: https://sites.google.com/site/chicoineforsenate2010/

Make sure to visit and donate to his campaign!

For all of your Joe for Senate needs:
http://jumpinginpools.blogspot.com/search/label/Joe%20for%20Senate


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Joe Hires FDR, Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt in Senate Race Dream Team

ONEONTA, NY--

SENATE CANDIDATE JOSEPH H. CHICOINE raised the stakes dramatically on Sunday night, announcing a massive hiring effort in his campaign to challenge incumbent New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic primary.

Standing in front of Schumaker Hall at SUNY Oneonta, Chicoine laid out his eight-point plan for victory.

"I have assembled the finest minds in American political life to assist me in my efforts to send Kirsten Gillibrand back to hell." Several passing orientation students proceeded to rip up their acceptance letters to the college.

Chicoine reportedly laid out $6.37 in his efforts, hiring former President Franklin Roosevelt as his communications director and Richard M. Nixon as his keeper of confidential information.

"I'm sure that President Nixon will take care of things." Chicoine said, citing earlier polls which place him in a hefty lead. "He will be in charge of my most intimate secrets, such as my 5-alarm chili recipe and my penchant for speaking with a British accent during weekends."

Former President Theodore Roosevelt will take care of security detail for the candidate, which has grown stricter since an assassination attempt last month. Roosevelt is said to be willing to spear Gillibrand if she attempts to kill Joe with poison darts, just as he knife-fought a cougar.

"He can take on this cougar," Joe said, "Meee-ow!"

None of the hired officials attended Chicoine's press conference, except for former President Millard Fillmore, whose bones were scattered at Joe's feet.

"I'm going back to Sherman Hall and am writing up my manifesto-- Gillibrand will be sorry she ever messed with the Joemeister!"

For all of your Joe for Senate needs.


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Chicoine Survives Assasination Attempt

Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, of Renssalear, New York escaped alive after a crazed lunatic made an attempt on his life. Chicoine is attempting to unseat incumbent first-term Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the New York Democratic primary in August. Chicoine shocked followers of politics around the country this week by picking up the weighty and surprising endorsement of South Carolina Senatorial candidate Alvin Greene. Chicoine has been increasing his already formidable warchest and has taken an early lead in polling.

However, despite all of the early headway in the campaign, the race took a tragic turn last night as Chicoine was campaigning in Utica.

"I was waving to oncoming traffic," Chicoine told the Utica Tribune, "I was getting a lot of honks and people often slammed on their brakes to show support. But then, out of nowhere, some whackjob came up and threw a muffin at me. It looked like it had a bite in it or something. I barely dodged the errant foodstuff right before it almost grazed my tongue.

"And you know what would happen if that occured."

Chicoine is unable to consume gluten or it would give him a state of almost narcotic euphoria. The condition is considered particularly severe especially in the light of Kanye West's horrific almost-fatal gluten overdose last year. Gluten was also blamed for Joe's bizarre pro-Zombie outburst last year.

"The last time I consumed gluten I danced naked on top of the Hunt Union building for six hours." Joe said, referring to a building on the SUNY Oneonta campus where he is a pre-law student. "The tried to get me down but instead I kept screeching and screeching."

The assassination attempt is considered just another barrage in an already tense primary. Joe has regularly referred to Senator Gillibrand as a "whore slut-dog" in almost all of his 118 public speeches and when asked about Joe's camapaign, Gillibrand allegedly asked, "Who?"

"Well, I'll tell you who!" Chicoine said in a May 19th stopover at downtown Syracuse's Pawn Your Memories store, "This is Joe Chicoine, ready to give you your walking papers. So get ready, horseface, cause I'm coming to knock you off your throne then take you out for dinner cause you're kinda attractive like that. Then I got on the bus."

Despite all of the bizarre statements of the Chicoine campaign, Chief of Staff Michael [last name withheld at his request] said, "Joe is going to win this. That is, if they don't stuff all of the ballot boxes."

For all of the updates on the Joe for Senate campaign, check out our constant coverage. Buy Joe for Senate gear on CafePress.

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Joe Picks Up Greene Endorsement

 Democratic Senate hopeful Joseph H. Chicoine, also a contributor on our blog, has picked up another major announcement in his quest to unseat incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in a primary in August. Chicoine, of Rennsalear, New York, launched his campaign last July and has since pulled out to an early lead against Gillibrand and expanded his vast war chest. Not much has come out of the Joe campaign since April when the Committee to Elect Chicoine released sign ideas.

Joe has made the rounds lately, even writing several articles and comments on our blog. One article even garnered several hits. Joe has hit the streets of late, wandering through downtown Oneonta at three o'clock in the morning screaming, "Get a piece of Joe!" Analysts point to this as a successful strategy, having been used in Jimmy Carter's 1976 run for the White House.

But no news has been bigger over the last month than Joe's surprise endorsement from a fellow Senate candidate, Alvin Greene. Greene is running as the Democratic candidate against incumbent Republican Jim Demint in South Carolina.

In a press release revealed by the Chicoine staff on Friday, Joe called Greene on Monday asking for his "blessing." Greene, who apparently thought that he was called by an automated Jehovah's Witnesses service said, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." Later in the day Greene even called Joe, offering to do campaigning and "all that stuff."

Joe has kept this news close to his chest, even holding information that Greene had sent him "photos" and that Greene's campaign was funded by illiterate Uzbek goat herders. However, Joe did say that the endorsement was worth, "an entire loaf of gluten-free bread to me."

Joe has received several other endorsements over the last two months. Last week Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce called Joe a "voice of reason" and sent him twenty dollars. Joe has even hinted that his mother "may support" his campaign but that she was "on the fence."

All your Joe for Senate needs: http://jumpinginpools.blogspot.com/search/label/Joe%20for%20Senate

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Liberalcytosiscorposusmaniasis: The Tragic Story Behind The Dehabilitating Disease

Dear Friends,

it is my unfortunate job to make you aware of this dehabilitating disease which affects men and women across the globe and of all races, creeds, and religion. it is an equal opportunity destroyer. Please pass this knowledge on to your loved ones and friends, so they can prepare and escape the horrible fate that lies in store for them if they contract this horrible ravaging disease.

I should have you know that I am an expert in the field with this rapidy growing disease, and while there is yet no cure, my partners and I work everyday trying to find one.

'Liberalcytosiscoposismaniasis' (also reffered to as LCCM, and Liberal's Delight Disease)- This disease is a dehabilitaing disease that causes widespread physiological disorders as well as numerous neurologic disorders, including but not limited to:

Symptoms / Affliction commonly associated with LCCM

Dementia
Multiple Sclerosis
Stomach Cramps
Heartburn
Nausea
Indegestion
Upset Stomach
Diarrhea
Liberal Turrets,
Panic Attacks,
Insomnia,
Somnumbolism,
Migraines,
Arthritis,
Joint Pain,
Stroke,
Heart Attack

Though there are many more it would take a whole 30 page report to list.

If you have any of those symptoms/ afflictions, call your doctor right away and schedule a blood analysis test. This will tell if you do or do not have the disease.

Disease Behavior:

The Liberalcytosiscorposismaniasis disease, though hardly old enough to properly diagnose, is fairly easy to study because of its method of transmission. LCCM is a member of the Obamacillus family which is usually passed on through the bites of mammals, insects and even humans. After transmission the virus hides in the white blood cells, mulitplying in number until they outnumber thier host's WBC's 1000 to 1.Once cells reach the brain, the white blood cell, no longer of use, bursts and frees the toxic parasite into the cerebral cortex area of the brain. Once that is achieved, the virus sinks into the brain tissue and causes widespread nerve impulse failure. With thier small but dangerous flagellum they rewire the brain by literally moving the nerves into place. Just four hours will have passed by the time this has all occured. The host then becomes a lethal threat to all around it. The impusulses sent to the brain will be to pass on the disease to the next carrier.

Treatment:

There is no known treatment currently know to affect LCCM. Those infected should be placed in isolation as soon as possible to prevent further transmission of the disease.

Prognosis:

There is no hope for someone with this disease to once again live a normal life. The virus will control all actions. The Host becomes a flesh hungry liberal zombie.

Others You May Know With LCCM:

Barack Obama,
Hillary Clinton,
Bill Clinton,
Nancy Pelosi,
John Edwards,
Al Gore,
Joe Biden,
Dianne Fienstien,
Kristen Gillibrand,
Barney Frank

END OF REPORT

How To Survive The Obamaclipse (Part 2 of 2)

Dear Friends,

In the last installment of this two part series, I shared with you some survival skill to survive the impending Obamaclipse and the Obamean Winter following it. I am back once again to share with you stragies for success in the harsh times coming ahead. Now remember these only work if you carry them out. And remember, smashing Obama shaped fudge statues IS therapedic for the soul and mind.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Ok, here are your tips for survival to add on to my first ten. The first ten are like the 10 commandments of survival, these are more like principles it would be a good idea to follow:

1. Save as much money as you can. You are going to need it to pay your new friends, the jihadis to buy things that go bang and boom. Things that go pop are not allowed. Now they are going to try and con you on the deal. That's ok, because they really is no use for the money they're getting anyway. They are going to die of plague and starvation and go meet thier virgins long before the realize how stupid they were. Pray that they are not as stupid in the afterlife as they were in real life.

2. Be ready AT ALL TIMES for an attack by the Obaminable monster, creater of the Obamaclipse and the following Obamean winter. He will eat your children if you are not careful. If you need help identifying him, look for a great ape-like beast with huge ears, that says things like "I'm running for mayor of the U.S" and "My grandfather was a ninja turtle", and (my person favorite) "We don't have to worry about the cost of my federal programs because at my last visit to Long John Silver's I got a map to pirate treasure." (Yes he actully did say these things, go check it out.

3. Remember, when confronted by the great Obaminable monster, scare tactics work. Just say things like "I'm for offshore drilling!" or "Let's put Bush back in the White House!", though the best phrase to use is this: (In a ghostlike manner) "You're looosing popularittty, Your ecooooonomic plan suuuucks, Even Acooorn and Colin Powwwell haaates you!" Trust me, It works, I have had to use a few times, and escaped with only a few cuts and bruises, because I'm so tough and awesometasic (my made up word. You steal it I come for your head, liberal or not here I come!)

4. Remember, Put up as many conservative propaganda posters on your cave as you can. The Obaminable monster will not come near with those up unless he's really hungry for conservative flesh. Just remember though, Rush Limbuah posters have the opposite effect. Because he is so dumb, he draws the Obamaminble monster closer, no matter how many conservative posters you have. So.. NO RUSH LIMBAUH POSTERS!! EVER!!

5. Lastly, but most certainly not least, make absolutely sure that your family and friends you are not turning liberal. If they do, it's ok though. You can cover the person in question in Obama posters and send them out to be eaten, If they return alive, you know they are liberal, and you must kill them before they bite you and pass on the Obamacillis Virus, causing Liberilcitosiscorposismanasis.

SO LETS RECAP HERE WHAT I HAVE SAID IN MY MESSAGES (1 and 2)

- Do not leave the cave.
- Do not let in strangers
- Pack conservative literature
- Leave behind liberal friends
- Remember, the Obaminable monster is watching.
- Teach future children to debate against liberals just in case.
- Follow the principles of the big three: O'Reilly, Hannity and Savage
- If they start to turn Liberal use them for Obamanible monster bait.
- make friends with Jihaddis

- Save money for transactions with gullible Jihaddis
- Always be ready for an attack
- Use scare tactics if confronted with the Obaminable monster
- Put up conservative propoganda on your cave,
- Use liberal leaning cave-friends for Obaminable monster bait.

REMEMBER:

If bit by a liberal leaning cave-friend, you will come down with Liberilcitosiscorposismanasis. So stay clear.

Test thier loyalty by using them for bait, if they come back with thier life, end it with gun or knife

and finally, for those of you that are a little slow, less intelligent areas of the U.S and globe:

OBAMINABLE MONSTER CAUSES OBAMACLIPSE WHICH LEADS TO THE OBAMEAN WINTER AND THE SPREAD OF THE UNCURABLE DISEASE LIBERALCITOSISCORPUSOSISMANASIS, A STRAIN OF THE OBAMACILLIS FAMILY.

Follow these steps and you shall survive!

Brought to you by the follwing sponsors:

Republican National Committee
Ralph Nader, 2012 comittee ("16th time is the lucky charm!)
Jumpinginpools.com ("Even in the Obamean winter, we still have nothing better to do")
Matt Avitable for President 2012 commitee
Coca-Cola (Feel refreshed! Keep it in your cave!)
The Boston Red Sox ("Can Obama please eat the Yankees so we can finally win the Series?")
Bill Clinton ("Please re-elect me! I promise I'll only have 2 mistresses this time!")
Marlboro Cigarettes ("Would you rather die of Obamean Winter than cancer? Seriously?")
Bob's Plumbing ("Obama really did plug the hole!")
U.S ARMY ("We train hard, but this guy is too tough for us")

Hugo Chavez to Twitter!

Yes, girls and boys, it's that moment we've all been waiting for. It's time to saddle up and follow Hugo Chavez on Twitter.

With Jumping in Pools' patented crystal ball we can take a look at some potential tweets occurring in the near future.

@Mahmoud12er- You drank so much last night that the waitress caught you staring at her ankle.

@BObama- Not happy-- you're bringing socialismo too quick

@Fidele- Sweet beard, yo.

@CindySheehan- You're still a tool.

@ShawnPennster- I can't wait to see your latest flop.

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Jihadists Angry About South Park-- Can We Just Offer them Sarah Silverman?

The Islamists in this country are angry at Trey Parker and Matt Stone for almost putting-- *gasp*-- up a picture of Mohammed in their episode. Not only this, they threatened to kill them, or as they put it it would be 'unfortunate' if they just happened to be suicide-bombed.

So I offer a compromise.

The jihadists are angry at American comedy, I guess (even though most of it bashes Bush and other people the jihadis don't like). And maybe they're angry at Comedy Central specifically (even though they wussed out at the end). So why don't we just give them Sarah Silverman and call it even?

I think it would save a lot of harm and get her to shut the hell up. I think it would go something like this:

Guam considers separation from the United States.

This just in from Guam Today:

Following the remarks of one United States Congressman who insinuated that the Island of Guam would capsize if 8,000 additional American troops were stationed on the American territory, Guam officials have announced their intention to become their own Nation after enduring too many insults for too long.

Guam's Republican Governor, Felix Perez Camacho, met with Constitutional lawyers last night to discuss a plan of separation, and Alicia Limtiaco, the Island's non-partisan Attorney General met with members of the Territorial Legislature in hopes of rallying support for the separation effort.

Congressman Hank Johnson insulted the people of Guam on the House floor yesterday, when he wondered whether or not the Island would capsize because 8,000 additional American troops might be stationed in Guam, considering the population has increased 24,000 over the past nine years without error, I suspect 8,000 more would be no big deal.

Guam wants to leave the United States. Goodness! Who will be next.......the Virgin Islands? People talked about President Bush, well........I don't remember a territory of the United States threatening to leave under Bush!

Also, Happy April Fool's Day!

A Look Back in Time: Nine-Year-Old Forcefully Removed from Town Hall Meeting after Question

Removed by security after asking question about mother
Patricia Hamel
August 27, 2009

Farrell, Pennsylvania- Though the debate over Health Care has been spirited in the last few months, the recent Town Hall meetings held by elected officials have been the focal point of attention. Yesterday, August 26, Pennsylvanian Congressman Jason Altmire (D) held one of his own in Farrell, a city with a population of just over 6,000, to boost support for the President's plan.

Though the Representative of the Fourth Congressional District expected the gathering to be heated, he did not believe the biggest uproar would come after a child's question.

The meeting, which began at 4:30 p.m., respectively, had nearly one thousand attend. Rep. Altmire began the meeting by assuring the crowd that he did not believe that the government would take over the health care system, but that reforms were needed. After several minutes of talking, the Representative then fielded questions from attendees.

The first to ask a question was Linda Patrick, a fourth grader at a local school. She held an index card in her hand, asking, "My mother has to get medicine that costs a lot of money. Our doctor says it will make her better, but my mother is afraid that with changes, the government won't pay for it. Can you tell me if it will?"

The question was met with applause from some in the audience, but silence from many others. Altmire responded by asking where the girl's mother was, to which Patrick answered "at home."
The Congressman then asked if her father was with her, but she simply shook her head. "I'm all by myself," she said.

"You mean that you don't have any parental supervision while you're here," Rep. Altmire questioned. "No," she responded. The Congressman then asked security to remove the girl, stating that "she should not be here alone, please take her away."

As security approached, Patrick hid in the crowd, asking, "What about my question?" "I will not answer questions from little children who are places they shouldn't be," Altmire responded.

After several minutes, officers were able to find the girl and reportedly brought her home. Afterwards, the meeting went ahead as scheduled.

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Obama Brother a Prominent Kenyan Warlord

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE.

The American media latched onto a story arising in late 2008 about Barack Obama's half-brother George Obama, who lived in Kenya on only a dollar a day. George continues to live in squalor outside of Nairobi as his brother has risen to be leader of the free world. Other Obama relatives include blogger Dr. Milton Wolf and Obama's aunt, who lived in Boston.

But the media paid little attention to Obama's other close relative. Gordon Obama, who is also Barack's half-brother, was found in 2007 by members of a CNN news crew. Unlike George, Gordon lives in relative prosperity. Mr. Obama is Barack Obama's senior's fifth child from a marriage before he conceived Barack Jr.

Gordon rules an area comprising of 2,500 square miles, or almost twice the size of Rhode Island. This region, near the city of Ramu in the northwest, borders the lawless state of Somalia. Gordon assumed power after directing police forces under his control to take over local municipalities. Currently this area, known as "Damunchi" is named such because of the Swahili words "Damu" for blood and "nchi" for "land." The region gained the moniker Damunchi after a string of reprisal attacks launched by Gordon Obama which killed over 300 peaceful protesters.

Gordon is commonly called a dictator and has built a tiny army of 2,000 loyal fighters out of a population of nearly 100,000. Gordon was interviewed by MSNBC in 2008, shortly after his half-brother's election in which he said, "He [Barack] takes after me."

Gordon bears a striking likeness to his American brother, and could be mistaken for a twin. While he has never left Kenya except on a goating trip in Somalia, Gordon wishes to visit the United States.

"Would be a good thing." he said in almost-unaccented English, "I'd like to see my little brother."

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White House May Have to Release 9/11 Suspects on Technicality

KSM to Go Free in White House Legal Error?
Dylan Ruegger
Ottawa Sun

American civil and defense attorneys are bristling at the legal back-and-forth between the White House and the Justice Department. For the last month it has been widely reported that the Obama Administration was considering trying al Qaeda suspects tied to the September 11, 2001 attacks in military court. This would be a reversal of their earlier push to try the defendants in a New York City court.

While this move has been applauded by members of both the Republican and Democratic establishments, it has not gone over well with legal experts at both the Pentagon and in the Justice Department. According to one senior attorney speaking on terms of anonymity, the change in legal settings could set off a chain reaction leading to a mistrial.

According to American law, most changes of legal venues occur only after it has been determined that a suspect cannot receive a fair trial. If these suspects were American citizens, a change to another court would have been a simple matter. However, due to the legal changes regarding terrorist detainees put in place by the Obama Administration, this is not as simple.

"You have the al Qaeda suspects being presumed innocent until proven guilty," said one Justice Department attorney's aide, "If the trials are moved to Guantanamo Bay, the suspects' lawyers can legally challenge that the federal government changed the venue only to increase the chance of a guilty verdict."

If this is indeed the case, the Obama Adminstration would also be legally unable to return the trials to the original destination. Under these circumstances it is possible, but still not likely, that a circuit court could determine that the attempted changes constituted a miscarriage of justice and that the suspects would have to be set free.

While this situation is unlikely, it is still unsettling for many in the legal community, especially those who have been tracking al Qaeda.

"The chance of them being set free is maybe five percent." said our source at the Pentagon, "But five percent is still five percent too high."

Obama Administration officials have defending this course of action, claiming that the continuity of American justice during wartime was an utmost concern. Attorney General Eric Holder's office simply told one FOXNews affiliate simply, "Justice will be served."

Deepak Chardyia contributed to this report.

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New Xbox Planned for This Year

According to sources exclusive to Jumping in Pools, Microsoft will pull off the gaming feat of this generation by releasing its next incarnation of the popular Xbox series. According to our source at Microsoft's facility in Palo Alto, California, the new system will be released on or around December of 2010, just before the Christmas buying season.

The new system, which does not have an official name yet, is preliminarily called the Xbox Edge. This new system was originally slated to be released at the end of 2011, but due to the economic slowdown, our source stated, Microsoft thought that it would be best to get a jump on the market.

"With people not going out due to the recession," said the source, "Microsoft execs felt that consumers are more likely to stay at home and try out some new technology, especially if it's really ground-breaking."

The new system's exact specifications have not been disclosed. However, some general specs have trickled through the source at Microsoft. "The Edge will have at least four CPUs operating at a minimum of 3.8 GHz. That's 3.8 each, not total processing power," the source continued. "This is well beyond anything seen in the market today."

The Edge will have four separate 1 GB RAM units, which places its capacity at about eight times the current 360. In addition, the new system will not feature any wired controllers, opting instead for only wireless controllers. According to the source, it is possible that the graphics capability of the system will not be able to be shown on standard definition televisions.

Backwards compatibility for the Edge will only be available through Xbox Live, according to the source. In addition, only 360 games will be backwards compatible, and original Xbox games may not be included, according to current plans. The Edge will also not feature memory cards.

Due to the acceleration of the release of the Edge, it appears that the games available at launch will be limited. However, it is likely that the next iterations of both Madden and NBA 2K will be available when the Edge is released. The source tentatively that a new Elder Scrolls game will be released in time for the launch.

In addition to the new Elder Scrolls game, the source added that plans are in the works for new games. These include a Max Payne game, currently called Max Payne 3: The Death of Max Payne and Call of Duty: Zero Hour.

At release, the Edge is believed to have two distinct versions. One basic version, called the Edge Essential will be the rough equivalent to the Arcade. The other version at launch will be the equivalent of the current Elite, dubbed the Edge Prodigy.

The Edge Essential will tentatively include: one wireless controller, a 120 GB hard drive, and one month free of Xbox live. The pricing of this unit will most likely be in the $450-$550 range.

The Edge Prodigy, according to the source, will be "astounding." The provisional plans for the Prodigy will include one wireless controller, a 240 GB hard drive, a three month subscription to Xbox Live, a DSL cable, a headset system, two different system skins, a demo disc for upcoming releases, and other, newer features. One of them is the inclusion of ten dollars for Microsoft Marketplace. The Prodigy is expected to sell between $600-$700.

"Something I'm really excited about is that one out of every fifty new Prodigy systems will include a new Madden 2011 game signed by Tom Brady and Peyton Manning or Avatar signed by James Cameron."

Worldwide advertising for the new system is expected to cost Microsoft up to one billion dollars. Deals have already been signed with some of the most visible figures in entertainment. One planned commercial has Tom Brady facing off against Peyton Manning playing Madden against each other. Both shout one of Microsoft's new slogans, "Now that's the Edge!"

Another potential commercial has Conan O'Brien unable to tell the difference between reality and the graphics of the Edge. At the end, O'Brien shouts, "No!" as a character in Max Payne 3 is killed. Stephen Colbert is also slated to advertise for the Edge, but as of now, the specifics are unknown.

Perhaps the most stunning possibility according to the source, is a remake of the classic Final Fantasy VII. The source stated that the remake is not in stone, but that prognosis is good.

"It would be out of this world," he stated. "I know that many fans of the series have been demanding this and programmers I work with, it's a real possibility."

The source also cryptically stated that this will be the last "traditional" console that Microsoft will release. He would not go into further detail. This also feeds into rumors that Microsoft will purchase the PlayStation franchise from Sony.

Check back for more updates as time goes on.

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Obama: I Experimented With Gluten for Years

WASHINGTON--

Another political bombshell is coming from the White House overnight in a written statement by President Obama's Press Secretary. Between 1970 and 2009, covering almost forty years of the President's life, Barack Obama had an "experimental" relationship with gluten.

Gluten, well known for causing opiate-like effects in some, is an anathema to people with Celiac's Disease. Contained in many foods, gluten is a well-known additive.

"I knew that it wasn't right," the President was quoted as saying, "I started when I was nine and couldn't stop until after I entered the White House." Also according to the statement, after campaign stops in 2008 the President would go into his campaign bus and eat up to "ten ounces" of wheat bread or cake, which contained the foodstuff.

"I couldn't help myself." said Obama, "You wouldn't understand unless you were there."

According to Gibbs, Obama did not suffer from the adverse side-effects of gluten, which include silence and hallucinations. Gibbs stated that Obama did not suffer from Celiac's disease, which makes it so a person cannot eat gluten. However, Gibbs said that this is an "unfortunate weakness" on the President's character.

"I wasn't addicted." Obama said, "Don't get me wrong. It's just so tempting."

Gluten is also believed responsible for Kanye West's 2009 outburst in which he threw teenage singing starlet Taylor Swift down a flight of metal stairs.

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Joe Takes Early Lead in NY Senate Race

New York Senate Candidate Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, has taken a commanding lead in one of the first primary polls released in February. Chicoine, a resident of Rensselear, NY, announced last year that he would challenge incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic Primary.

Not much has come out of the Chicoine camp in the last two months except a bizarre pro-Zombie outburst that has given Joe a sharp upturn with the living-impared community. Joe has also made the rounds, visiting the computer lab in Sherman Hall and the pond at Hunt Union. Shouting "Vote for Joe" he soon gathered a crowd of twenty students chanting "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe" to which Joe shouted "Chicoine!!!"

Joe also threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oneonta Tigers Minor League stadium, even though there was no game there and no fans present.

Joe has been handing out fliers expressing his qualifications for office with the words "Got Joe?" on top. In the flier, Joe claims credit for creating four jobs by getting people on this blog to write about him incessantly.

"I've given people purpose." Joe said, "Many women live just to hope that they meet me. I'm truly an inspiration."

According to a WONY poll conducted in the first week of February, Joe is swamping Gillibrand with 67% of Sherman Hall voters. While most did not know who Gillibrand was, many were fired up about Joe's campaign. The poll interviewed three residents and has a MoE of 80%.

"He's going to fix everything." said one supporter. "He's truly the answer to our prayers."

Chicoine is planning to campaign outside of Oneonta, including a possible stop in his hometown. There he expects to garner as many as five more supporters.

Joe was confident in his campaign:

"Gillibrand, Harold Ford, it doesn't matter. There's just the Joe train and you better hop on."

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Flashback: Dead Groundhog Portends Apocalypse

From a year ago:

It's a cherished tradition on February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. A groundhog named Phil pops his furry little head out of the ground and tells us whether or not we'll have six more weeks of winter or if spring will come early.

Well, that's come to an end this year. Punxsutawney Phil did appear out of his little hole this morning, only to keel over dead, grasping his little rodent chest.

"I don't know what happened." said Hannah Jerome, 11, "We were here with the entire elementary school when the funny-looking cat shrieked and fell into the dirt. When our teacher went to go look, she started to cry and shouted that it was 'one of the signs.'"

While Biblical scholars may be divided about a lot of things, one of the clear signals of the Apocalypse, as written by St. John of Lemnos was that a small groundhog would die, portending the rise of Satan.

"I done know who done did this!" shouted local preacher Kenneth Lambeau, "It was that Obama! I done told you that he's them anti-Christ!"

The death of Punxsutawney Phil was a tragedy for the small Pennsylvania town, otherwise known for an offensive sulfur smell. Phil was a mainstay of the community. When asked if the town could get a new groundhog, spokeswoman Kay Rainwater said, "Punxsutawney Phil was born of magic and happiness and has been alive for thousands of years. We can't just replace him."

The death of the groundhog appears to be one of the many appearing signs of the End Times. Among these include the removal of the Baconator from Wendy's menu, the rise of reality television, and the appearance of Jack Black.

"We need to take the biggest shovel we done got and build us a whole fifty cubits deep!" shouted Lambeau, "Repent, the end is at hand!"
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John Edwards Praised in Haiti Relief Effort

First off, please take some money and give it to UNICEF to help the earthquake victims.

Former North Carolina Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards has been through a lot of controversy lately. Whether it be for being too handsome or losing the 2008 Democratic primaries by a paper-thin margin, he's been under a lot of scrutiny.

But it appears that all of that has gone away now. Edwards, like Jimmy Carter, is rehabilitating his image by helping victims of the Haiti earthquake.

"Just like I flew down to New Orleans a year after Katrina to make a speech, then immediately leave," Edwards told press reporters, "I'm going to help the people of Haitianland."

After chartering a private jet to Port-au-Prince, Edwards has donated "up to $200" in his own money for direct relief and has volunteered up to three hours a day signing autographs on the beach.

"I know that the people here must be a little overwhelmed with this George Bush-inspired disaster." he said while downing a bloody Mary, "But my appearance must be the most overwhelming-- and the most healing."

Edwards is expected to stay in Haiti for up to two years, citing "domestic troubles." He has since made headlines by distributing hair gel to the local population.

"Who the hell is this guy?" asked one resident, "And why is he hitting on my daughter?"

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