Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

I, Dr. Joe, MD, have just hit another gold mine with my investment in a gold mine. You may ask how I have become so proficient at ordaining the finances? Well, I have taken to a thing called the telegraph and am able to gain information from as far away as Cincinnati within hours!

This week's pick:
Ponzi Schemes

Everyone is clamoring to get rich. But if everyone was rich, then no one would be rich, right? Wrong! Now Dr. Joe has found a way for us all to get filthy rich without the filth. You must pour all of your family's savings, including your health insurance, into Ponzi Schemes immediately.

By getting back interest on your initial investments, you will be able to live in style. And you could also feel good knowing that you are able to help propel the economy. So quit your job and get ready for the easy life.

Just go to the local street corner, give the chap $5,000, wink and say, "Count me in, lad." Then expect money to come rolling in as though you were some sort of robber-baron. So, invest and count your earnings!

NOTE- If you actually do this, you should be committed.

Also, if you need to search anything on Google, please use the bar below:

Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

Dr. Joe is back from Siam after cashing in on his massive nest-egg. Joe C. invested just seven dollars into his latest investment, and has received over three million dollars! If you have any questions about where to put your hard-earned moolah, just ask the Doctor!

This week's pick:
German Marks
Having seen the Great War firsthand, you may ask if the Huns will be able to rebuild their shattered society? Yes, after all of the baby-eating and nun-shooting, the German nation may be able to pick themselves up and create a society that could be considered half-human to the layman.
That is why Dr. Joe is endorsing everyone to buy German Marks. The Mark was once worth four per dollar before the War. Today, you need a full wheelbarrow in order to buy a simple loaf of peasant bread. With such massive depreciation, is it any wonder that the Mark will once again appreciate into the cauldron of strength it was before the War?It is my personal opinion that you should sell your house and invest in this great opportunity! With all of your money in this option, if the Mark ever hits the dollar, you will have upwards of four-trillion dollars to spend! With such money, you can buy the Kaiser's pointy helmet and the art of an aspiring Austrian artist!

So buy, before it's too late!

NOTE- Do not actually follow Joe's advice, unless you wish to go broke and have your family disown you.

Joe's Pick of the Week

Well, seeing that you have all gotten rich off of my other picks, now you can give advice to your friends. I'm sitting here in the JoeCave, in the scenic Bahama islands. It makes me feel sad that there are still people who make less that $500,000 a year. Those poor souls.

Joe's Pick:
Nigerian Bank Schemes

With all of the talk of the Nigerian Schemes circulating the internet, this reporter gets the feeling that they may be your ticket to riches. First off, even if they're phony, at least you get to travel to Nigeria. Everyone wants to go to Africa. Not to mention the added bonus if you're captured and your wife sacrificed to a pagan idol.

Second, how do we even know that these "schemes" are fradulent anyway? Maybe the payment got lost in the mail or maybe Kwame Smith from Lagos just forgot to mail the massive package marked "money." People shouldn't listen to everything they hear. Sometimes they give you bad advice.

NOTE: If you follow this advice, you deserve to lose your money.

Joe's Pick of the Week

Joe C. is back to let us know that there's another way for you to get rich, without working, thinking or effort! In fact, get out your checkbook and wait until you can swim in all your money like Scrooge McDuck.

Pick: Fannie Mae

With the financial crisis, there may not be a better time to spend all of your money on a company with such a bright past and future as Fannie Mae. With plenty of contributions going to President Obama and other top Democrats, you know that they're owed a few favors!

With the way they handle their money, you may just find dividends you didn't even know you had. You may also need a pacemaker to cope with the money you'll be getting. Think of all the gluten you could buy! So get out your coinpurse and buy a 50% share in the company. There's a 33% chance you won't regret it.

NOTE- If you invest in any of these, you will probably go bankrupt. Do so at your own extreme risk.

Joe's Stock Pick of the Week

Joe C., famous from his babe of the week column on Jumping in Pools, has volunteered to write a weekly investment column. Every Thursday he will give his two cents and will tell you how to get rich.

Pick of the week: KB Toys

With lots of toy trains and smelly dolls, this toy store is one of the great buys in the stock market. With the economy going south, who doesn't want to be playing with toys instead of watching CNBC. Besides, you can always hang yourself with that jumprope or beat yourself to death with a wiffle ball bat.

With KB's stock prices down, this is an excellent chance to break into the market. In addition, it seems like half of their board of directors have quit or been publicly executed. You could become CEO! So get on the bandwagon and buy, buy, buy!

NOTE- If you invest in any of these, you will probably go bankrupt. Do so at your own extreme risk.