Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

Tired of picking pennies out of ashtrays? Tired of always being assumed a 'loser'? Well, cry no more, cause Dr. Joe is going to get you out of your mother's basement and into a mansion, ASAP.

Joe's Pick:
Selling Apples

With some minor economic troubles on the horizon and President Obama's pledge to make the economy 'slightly less horrible' by 2013, we need a good way to make money fast.

That's why Dr. Joe has presented you with a great business opportunity. Go out to the farm, but 100 apples, and sell them on the streets of major cities. Maybe people will feel bad enough they'll buy it from you, then secretly throw it away.

Try it, and see if it makes you feel poor!

NOTE: Do not follow this advice. It is terrible.

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Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

Dr. Joe, PhD would like to tell everyone a tale. A tale of monsters and Libertarians. Yes, this harrowing tale has to do with perhaps the greatest business opportunity of your or your ancestor's lives.

Joe's Financial Pick:
Silent MoviesWith the invention of the photograph just several years ago, we are now on the dawn of a new age of entertainment. With people being afraid of catching the influenza, they will stop their picnicking and instead cram into a theater and watch the newest contraption.

With tales of exotic places like Poland or Kansas, the silent film can take you to places that you would never want to visit. You can see the amazing sub-humans of France or the strange cultures of cannibals in Siam. You can watch the movie and almost think that you are being eaten by King Kong.

So watch and be amazed!

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Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

I know that you've all been salivating, waiting to hear how you can ditch your wife and job and escape to French Polynesia. Well, get that yacht ready cause the Joemeister has a way for you to sweep up instead of sweeping floors.

Joe's Pick:
Sperm Donation

With the recent "downturn" in the economy, you may be asking how you can get some extra cash. Well, it's in the palm of your hand, so to speak! In fact, you may think that they have high standards in order to give sperm. But did you know that both Al Franken and Jeaneane Garafalo were born with donor sperm? Isn't that enough to make you want to give yours?

It's a very simple process, and there's a 40% chance that you won't have to pay child support on the resulting child. Even better, even if the child comes out disturbed or a serial killer, you still get your money. It's what every man wants, to get some random woman pregnant!

So get ready, boys, and get your boys ready!


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Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to have written my next article. I have sprained both of my legs carrying my massive wheelbarrows of gold which I made by just entering the stock market last week. I am most proud of myself, and in a moment of weakness, I am going to spill a secret of moneyness so that you can impress your co-workers, even the one who is eying your wife!

Joe's Financial Pick of the Week:
Circuit City

Circuit City is a corporation to keep your eyes on. With electronics, music, and movies, this place will never go out of style. Circuit City is run with impeccable thrift, and is looking to make nearly 100% profit over the next three decades.

With rock-bottom prices and computers galore, this place doesn't even need to advertise. I hear that if the company does any better, then the government is going to make their stock into our currency!

So buy as much of the their stock as soon as possible, before it takes off. It's well known that they may break $5000 a share by tomorrow. So sell your pets, jewelry, and your wife and why don't you just buy a franchise of Circuit City while you're at it!

NOTE: Please don't follow Dr. Joe's advice.

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Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

I, Dr. Joe, MD, have just hit another gold mine with my investment in a gold mine. You may ask how I have become so proficient at ordaining the finances? Well, I have taken to a thing called the telegraph and am able to gain information from as far away as Cincinnati within hours!

This week's pick:
Ponzi Schemes

Everyone is clamoring to get rich. But if everyone was rich, then no one would be rich, right? Wrong! Now Dr. Joe has found a way for us all to get filthy rich without the filth. You must pour all of your family's savings, including your health insurance, into Ponzi Schemes immediately.

By getting back interest on your initial investments, you will be able to live in style. And you could also feel good knowing that you are able to help propel the economy. So quit your job and get ready for the easy life.

Just go to the local street corner, give the chap $5,000, wink and say, "Count me in, lad." Then expect money to come rolling in as though you were some sort of robber-baron. So, invest and count your earnings!

NOTE- If you actually do this, you should be committed.

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Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

Dr. Joe is back from Siam after cashing in on his massive nest-egg. Joe C. invested just seven dollars into his latest investment, and has received over three million dollars! If you have any questions about where to put your hard-earned moolah, just ask the Doctor!

This week's pick:
German Marks
Having seen the Great War firsthand, you may ask if the Huns will be able to rebuild their shattered society? Yes, after all of the baby-eating and nun-shooting, the German nation may be able to pick themselves up and create a society that could be considered half-human to the layman.
That is why Dr. Joe is endorsing everyone to buy German Marks. The Mark was once worth four per dollar before the War. Today, you need a full wheelbarrow in order to buy a simple loaf of peasant bread. With such massive depreciation, is it any wonder that the Mark will once again appreciate into the cauldron of strength it was before the War?It is my personal opinion that you should sell your house and invest in this great opportunity! With all of your money in this option, if the Mark ever hits the dollar, you will have upwards of four-trillion dollars to spend! With such money, you can buy the Kaiser's pointy helmet and the art of an aspiring Austrian artist!

So buy, before it's too late!

NOTE- Do not actually follow Joe's advice, unless you wish to go broke and have your family disown you.

Joe's Financial Pick of the Week

While you're drowning in the massive amounts of cash that I have earned you, why don't you take a minute and read about some of the ideas to make your butler rich. In fact, you can have your butler have butlers.

Joe's Pick of the Week:
Buying on Margin

With all of the talk of the stock market, you're trying to figure out how to jump in yourself. Well, my fine sir, let me tell you that the only way to invest in the stockmarket is to purchase on margin. Yes, but your house up for collateral and take out $5,000,000 in subprime loans and open up your newspaper. Put your hand over your eyes and with the other point at a stock in the business section. Foolish, you say? Bah! John D. Rockefeller once made $4.2 billion dollars by investing in a goat insemination corporation.

Buying on margin may seem like a bad idea, if you were born without the stockpicker's luck. Think of it, if you blew your family's life savings and your house, you could always get a new family. Or you could join the circus. I've done both, at the same time. So go out, take the world by the horns, and buy, buy, buy! You won't regret it.

NOTE- Don't invest in this, please.

Joe's Pick of the Week

Well, seeing that you have all gotten rich off of my other picks, now you can give advice to your friends. I'm sitting here in the JoeCave, in the scenic Bahama islands. It makes me feel sad that there are still people who make less that $500,000 a year. Those poor souls.

Joe's Pick:
Nigerian Bank Schemes

With all of the talk of the Nigerian Schemes circulating the internet, this reporter gets the feeling that they may be your ticket to riches. First off, even if they're phony, at least you get to travel to Nigeria. Everyone wants to go to Africa. Not to mention the added bonus if you're captured and your wife sacrificed to a pagan idol.

Second, how do we even know that these "schemes" are fradulent anyway? Maybe the payment got lost in the mail or maybe Kwame Smith from Lagos just forgot to mail the massive package marked "money." People shouldn't listen to everything they hear. Sometimes they give you bad advice.

NOTE: If you follow this advice, you deserve to lose your money.

Joe's Pick of the Week

Joe C. is back to let us know that there's another way for you to get rich, without working, thinking or effort! In fact, get out your checkbook and wait until you can swim in all your money like Scrooge McDuck.

Pick: Fannie Mae

With the financial crisis, there may not be a better time to spend all of your money on a company with such a bright past and future as Fannie Mae. With plenty of contributions going to President Obama and other top Democrats, you know that they're owed a few favors!

With the way they handle their money, you may just find dividends you didn't even know you had. You may also need a pacemaker to cope with the money you'll be getting. Think of all the gluten you could buy! So get out your coinpurse and buy a 50% share in the company. There's a 33% chance you won't regret it.

NOTE- If you invest in any of these, you will probably go bankrupt. Do so at your own extreme risk.

Joe's Stock Pick of the Week

Joe C., famous from his babe of the week column on Jumping in Pools, has volunteered to write a weekly investment column. Every Thursday he will give his two cents and will tell you how to get rich.

Pick of the week: KB Toys

With lots of toy trains and smelly dolls, this toy store is one of the great buys in the stock market. With the economy going south, who doesn't want to be playing with toys instead of watching CNBC. Besides, you can always hang yourself with that jumprope or beat yourself to death with a wiffle ball bat.

With KB's stock prices down, this is an excellent chance to break into the market. In addition, it seems like half of their board of directors have quit or been publicly executed. You could become CEO! So get on the bandwagon and buy, buy, buy!

NOTE- If you invest in any of these, you will probably go bankrupt. Do so at your own extreme risk.