HHS To Vaccinate All Schoolchildren for Swine Flu

Student Leaders in Uproar Due to HHS Vaccination Plan
Gordon Hsu
Chicago Tribune
October 18, 2009

WASHINGTON-- Student and teacher organizations around the northeastern United States are extremely frustrated with an upcoming pilot program put forward by Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

According to the statement issued by the Department last Thursday, all students in the Northeast would be required to have taken the swine flu vaccination by December 1st of this year. The program would mainly concentrate on this region due to its historically high rates of influenza cases.

If this program is deemed successful, the vaccination requirements will be administered in each section of the continental United States by the end of 2010.

According to Faye Dunham, a spokeswoman for Secretary Sebelius, the flu vaccinations would be administered either by family physician or by school nurse. It was unclear the consequences if a student did not receive vaccinations.

"It is of critical importance to our young people and to our future to ensure a life of fit health." said Dunham during a Friday press conference in Alexandria, Virginia. "If students are at risk of this terrible disease, it could lead to illness, poor grades, and poor socialization."

Some have questioned the legality of this move, but the Secretary's statement was clear regarding this.

"This necessary action is authorized by an executive order signed by my dear friend Ronald Reagan in 1987." Sebelius said, "The HHR, with the consent of the White House and funding from Congress, has the authority to prevent potential pandemics."

Funding for the program is not clear of yet, although $60 million was set aside for flu prevention in the American Health and Quality of Life provision included in this year's budget.

Mandatory vaccinations are expected to begin November 2 in New York and be instituted in all of New England by November 15.

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Obama Admin Calls in Elmo

No, this isn't a satire piece. It's actually a new plan developed by the Obama Administration. And boy, does it scream rookies!

But, yes, it's true. Politico is reporting that Health and Human Services is working with the Sesame Street puppet to spread the word about government programs. That's right, the government is using children's programming to spread it ideas!

And it gets better. The partnership with Elmo also includes the Education Department and... the Department of Homeland Security. Because we all know that the villains in the DHS would be better suited for talking to a hand puppet than interrogating terrorists.

Does anyone see it as conspicuous that Elmo is pitching a government line about the flu just as the health care debate is heating up? Maybe he'll ask kids to send in their parents' fishy rumors to flag@whitehouse.gov.

Are we becoming more and more idiotic daily? The DHS should not be partnering with Elmo to talk about avoiding the flu. It should be making sure that a suicide bomber doesn't cross the border. And I thought that Kathleen Sebelius was a joke before. You remember that they actually talked about her being the Vice President?

Sheesh.

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SATIRE: Daschle "Innocent" of Tax Fraud

Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle has been on the hot seat over the last week. Picked by President Obama as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services, the former Senator has been grilled over allegations of not paying taxes. Daschle, however, insists he is innocent.

"I sent the money I owed to the IRS with the prostitute that I hired for three years." Daschle told a Senate subcommittee on Monday.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but half of my income was off the tax rolls, as I was selling cocaine."

Unfortunately for Daschle, Senate Republicans were not buying it. Texas Senator John Cornyn demanded that Daschle stop sidestepping the issue. "You are, uh, I say you are attempting to tell us that you're some sort of boy scout, but the real issue is that you can't pay, I say, you can't pay your taxes."

Daschle still attempted to defend himself. "Listen, to my former colleagues, I have proof that I am innocent. During 2004, I was too busy giving cigarettes to children to have been avoiding taxes. I spoke about it during that 2003 film I starred in, "Porkbarrel Sphincter," a poor attempt at Congressional pornography.

"I guess you might be right." said Maine Senator Olympia Snowe. "Tax evasion is a very minor crime for politicians."

Daschle was confirmed, 96-0. Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky was reportedly not able to vote. His office released a statement saying that this was due to "getting hammered."

For those who like this satire, buy my book, The Real History of World War II.