Obama: Presidency "More Work" Than Expected

Geoffrey Likeson
Conservative News and Reporting
'News for the Rest of Us'

WASHINGTON--

In a rare show of humility, President Barack Obama told reporters this morning that taking on the role of President of the United States was more strenuous than he had believed.

"I just didn't think it would be so much," the President told Karen Tumulty from Time, "When I was campaigning, I was tired all of the time, but I knew that it was for a greater cause. Since January, I've been pulling fourteen-hour days, and I have chronic migraines."

This press conference was a surprise, replacing White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs' normal daily briefings. Instead, when reporters set up, the President, just returned from the G20 summit in Europe, was standing at the podium. Slouched and sighing heavily, the President explained that he had only gotten seven hours of sleep the previous night.

"I knew that becoming President was a worthwhile goal," he said, "But I have to remember all twenty of the top GDP nations on the planet. I also have to make sure to be respectful to foreign leaders, like bowing to the Saudi king."

Reports coming from the White House have been quick to minimize Obama's statements, explaining it off as simple "fatigue." The New York Times also referenced "George W. Bush's constant vacations, even on September 12, 2001 and the beginning of the Iraq War."

Asked about his itinerary, the President is planning to have pancakes for dinner and to watch a movie with his wife Michelle.

"I heard that Watchmen is bitchin'," said the President, "The President of Russia can wait."

Dmitri Medvedev, the President of the Russian Federation, is reportedly extremely annoyed.

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Obama: U.S. Supplies of Funk 'Dangerously Low'

Harold Terry
Conservative News and Reporting
'News for the Rest of Us'

CAMP DAVID

Defense Secretary Robert Gates is extremely concerned over intelligence reports that American stockpiles of funk have reached record lows. It is estimated that the levels, which dropped below 'fly' last week, could reach as low as 'jive.'

These deficits are believed to be caused by the election of the United States' first celebrity President, who graces TMZ and People more than Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie's breasts.

"This is beyond words," said the Defense Secretary, "If this keeps up, our domestic production of funk could fall to just 50,000 kilofunks this year. At this rate, we'd be dependent on foreign-produced funk."

The top funkologist at the University of Hip has explained the funk deficit. "The biggest producers of funk outside the United States are Spain, Argentina, and Iran. Iran alone provides one-third of the world's funk supply through traditional means, such as goat dances and American flag cook-ins."

President Obama is attempting to fix the funk gap. He has instituted a mandatory statute for all Americans to 'get down' this year at least twice. He has also called for the increased usage of break dancing.

"This is a momentous day," said Gates, "When we can meet our challenges by putting on our platform shoes and getting funky."

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