Chicoine Launches Campaign Website

 ONEONTA, NY: Senate hopeful Joseph H. Chicoine IV has launched a website for his quest for the United States Senate. This comes as his campaign, which he started last November, is starting to take off, with more than three people planning to vote for him in the September primaries.

"I didn't have money for anything elaborate," said Joe, "I spent most of my campaign contributions on that pencil to write things on. I had to do things through GoogleSites-- it was free and there's a picture of me with a kitty on it."

Joe's new political site can be found here: https://sites.google.com/site/chicoineforsenate2010/

Make sure to visit and donate to his campaign!

For all of your Joe for Senate needs:
http://jumpinginpools.blogspot.com/search/label/Joe%20for%20Senate


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This Pretty Much Sums it Up

 A photo I used last year:

How Prescient

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Jihadists Angry About South Park-- Can We Just Offer them Sarah Silverman?

The Islamists in this country are angry at Trey Parker and Matt Stone for almost putting-- *gasp*-- up a picture of Mohammed in their episode. Not only this, they threatened to kill them, or as they put it it would be 'unfortunate' if they just happened to be suicide-bombed.

So I offer a compromise.

The jihadists are angry at American comedy, I guess (even though most of it bashes Bush and other people the jihadis don't like). And maybe they're angry at Comedy Central specifically (even though they wussed out at the end). So why don't we just give them Sarah Silverman and call it even?

I think it would save a lot of harm and get her to shut the hell up. I think it would go something like this:

Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker

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Obama: I Experimented With Gluten for Years

WASHINGTON--

Another political bombshell is coming from the White House overnight in a written statement by President Obama's Press Secretary. Between 1970 and 2009, covering almost forty years of the President's life, Barack Obama had an "experimental" relationship with gluten.

Gluten, well known for causing opiate-like effects in some, is an anathema to people with Celiac's Disease. Contained in many foods, gluten is a well-known additive.

"I knew that it wasn't right," the President was quoted as saying, "I started when I was nine and couldn't stop until after I entered the White House." Also according to the statement, after campaign stops in 2008 the President would go into his campaign bus and eat up to "ten ounces" of wheat bread or cake, which contained the foodstuff.

"I couldn't help myself." said Obama, "You wouldn't understand unless you were there."

According to Gibbs, Obama did not suffer from the adverse side-effects of gluten, which include silence and hallucinations. Gibbs stated that Obama did not suffer from Celiac's disease, which makes it so a person cannot eat gluten. However, Gibbs said that this is an "unfortunate weakness" on the President's character.

"I wasn't addicted." Obama said, "Don't get me wrong. It's just so tempting."

Gluten is also believed responsible for Kanye West's 2009 outburst in which he threw teenage singing starlet Taylor Swift down a flight of metal stairs.

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Joe Takes Early Lead in NY Senate Race

New York Senate Candidate Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, has taken a commanding lead in one of the first primary polls released in February. Chicoine, a resident of Rensselear, NY, announced last year that he would challenge incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic Primary.

Not much has come out of the Chicoine camp in the last two months except a bizarre pro-Zombie outburst that has given Joe a sharp upturn with the living-impared community. Joe has also made the rounds, visiting the computer lab in Sherman Hall and the pond at Hunt Union. Shouting "Vote for Joe" he soon gathered a crowd of twenty students chanting "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe" to which Joe shouted "Chicoine!!!"

Joe also threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oneonta Tigers Minor League stadium, even though there was no game there and no fans present.

Joe has been handing out fliers expressing his qualifications for office with the words "Got Joe?" on top. In the flier, Joe claims credit for creating four jobs by getting people on this blog to write about him incessantly.

"I've given people purpose." Joe said, "Many women live just to hope that they meet me. I'm truly an inspiration."

According to a WONY poll conducted in the first week of February, Joe is swamping Gillibrand with 67% of Sherman Hall voters. While most did not know who Gillibrand was, many were fired up about Joe's campaign. The poll interviewed three residents and has a MoE of 80%.

"He's going to fix everything." said one supporter. "He's truly the answer to our prayers."

Chicoine is planning to campaign outside of Oneonta, including a possible stop in his hometown. There he expects to garner as many as five more supporters.

Joe was confident in his campaign:

"Gillibrand, Harold Ford, it doesn't matter. There's just the Joe train and you better hop on."

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John Edwards Praised in Haiti Relief Effort

First off, please take some money and give it to UNICEF to help the earthquake victims.

Former North Carolina Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards has been through a lot of controversy lately. Whether it be for being too handsome or losing the 2008 Democratic primaries by a paper-thin margin, he's been under a lot of scrutiny.

But it appears that all of that has gone away now. Edwards, like Jimmy Carter, is rehabilitating his image by helping victims of the Haiti earthquake.

"Just like I flew down to New Orleans a year after Katrina to make a speech, then immediately leave," Edwards told press reporters, "I'm going to help the people of Haitianland."

After chartering a private jet to Port-au-Prince, Edwards has donated "up to $200" in his own money for direct relief and has volunteered up to three hours a day signing autographs on the beach.

"I know that the people here must be a little overwhelmed with this George Bush-inspired disaster." he said while downing a bloody Mary, "But my appearance must be the most overwhelming-- and the most healing."

Edwards is expected to stay in Haiti for up to two years, citing "domestic troubles." He has since made headlines by distributing hair gel to the local population.

"Who the hell is this guy?" asked one resident, "And why is he hitting on my daughter?"

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Obama-- Super Competent

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Terrorists Commit Hilarity Crimes

From CNN:

Fourteen suspected terrorists died Tuesday night when the bus they rigged with explosives blew up prematurely, police said.

The explosion occurred as the suspects were riding the bus in the province of Kunduz, said police chief Abdul Raziq Yaqobi.

Yaqobi said the suspects wanted to attack Afghan police or foreign soldiers.

I think that that says it all.

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Boy Shoots Own Eye Out in Freak Christmas Accident

HOHMAN, INDIANA- In a tragic turn of events, an elementary school student is spending his Christmas in the hospital. The child, whose name has not been released to the press, was rushed to Hohman County Hospital early Christmas morning.

Wishing to remain anonymous, his mother released a statement to news organizations explaining the circumstances of her son's injury. "He had just received an official Red Rider carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time. He ran outside to test it out and I told him to be careful.

"After a few minutes of letting my young son play unsupervised with a weapon that I believed could cause him serious injury, I didn't hear him outside. I left the turkey and looked outside to see if he was all right. But he was just laying in the snow.

"At first I thought maybe he had been hit with a falling icicle because those things are known to kill. Yet when I looked at him closely, I saw no evidence of an icicle. Just him holding his BB gun. And then I knew."

The hospital is reporting that the student will make a recovery, and that there is a good chance that he will see in his right eye again.

A stunned father spoke to reporters outside his son's ER room. "I had one when I was eight years old," he said, grief-stricken. "I never thought this would happen. A kid with one eye... that could make his life at Warren G. Harding Elementary School a veritable hell.

"I'm so ashamed."

Waking briefly from a drug-induced coma, the student remarked that it was "the worst Christmas present he has ever received, and would ever receive." He then drifted off to sleep, pinging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots in his dreams.


Cross-linked at Wizbang

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The Hamlet Soliloquy if Performed by Barack Obama

To Vote Present or Not To Vote Present
by Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States

To vote present or not to vote present-- that is the question
Whether 'tis more awesome in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of bad press
Or to sic Joe Biden against a sea of teabaggers
And by opposing call them unpatriotic. To lose, to brag--
No more--and by a B+ grade we end
The audacity of heartache, and the thousand ACORN scandals
That community organizers are heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be hid. To read a teleprompter--
To make believe I'm competent--perchance to dream:
ay, there's the New Hampshire primary loss,
For in that sleep of Hillary primary-ing me
When we have shuffled off the talk show circuit,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of 10% unemployment.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of talking to Joe Biden for six SIX minutes,
Th' oppressor's right, George W. is no longer
The pangs of despised Daily Show jokes, the Guantanamo delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of dithering on Afghanistan,
When he himself might fire Van Jones
With a bare bodkin? Who would Nancy Pelosi bear,
To grunt and sweat under her heavy chest,
But that the dread of something under her dress,
The undiscovered country, in the public option
No traveller returns, puzzles the budget,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than blame the last administration?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the fact remains, "I won."
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast 44%,
And enterprise of upcoming 2010 races
With this regard the independents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair George! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered (and you blamed for it)

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Barack Obama's Original Inaugural Speech Found

I got an excellent tip from Just Politics about an awesome Obama speech generator. Here's what I got (edited slightly):

My fellow Americans, today is a joetacular day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "gluten", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually air-guitar.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces skinny and joe-normous challenges like never before. Our economy is horrifying. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for Sherman Halls. Our healthcare system is death-defying. If your groinal region is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a Kazakh prostitute. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a Joe's thing Indonesian dictionary. But shooting together we can right this ship, and set a course for SUNY Oneonta.

Finally, I must thank my red family, my awesome campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank college students for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of craving the American people. Without your insane efforts, none of this would have been possible.

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Chicoine Defends Zombism; Joe: 'Braaaains'

ONEONTA, NEW YORK- In the culmination of rampant rumors concerning the 2010 Senatorial Race, Joseph Chicoine, running for his first term, is defending his zombie platform.

In a speech to numb-minded followers, also known as Democrats, Mr. Chicoine addressed the state this past Friday. "I've heard people attacking me for my entire life," Mr. Chicoine began, a pink piece of meat hanging from the side of his mouth. "They would say, 'Joe, you can't be so incredible handsome,' 'Joe, you can't change the world by yourself,' 'Joe, you can't eat human flesh.' Well, I've got only one thing to say to that:

"Braaaaaaaaaaains!"

The crowd erupted in raucous applause, chanting Chicoine's catchphrase, "Brains," over and over. Raising his hand to calm the enthusiasm, Chicoine continued.

"Like many of you, years ago I would make excuses when it came to who I was. Gluten, as you know, makes you crave the living flesh of homo sapiens; for years I avoided the stuff." Chicoine paused to load jeers and boos. "But then the day came," Joe continued, drool beginning to form at the side of his mouth.

"I was at a gluten rave. I tried to resist the temptation, but I caved to peer pressure, and I have been always been happy that I did. It is a valuable lesson: always do what others want you too, or you won't fit in, which is the most important thing in life. But once that gluten touched my tongue," Joe began, as the audience audibly groaned, "oh yes.

"So I must say, and believe, and live: Ich bein ein zombie."

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On This Date...

December 2, 1937

German dictator Adolf Hitler farted really, really loud during a speech in Hamburg. This almost destroyed the Nazi Party before the start of the Second World War. Hitler later (like Pat Buchanan) blamed the incident on the Jews.

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The Fox News Lineup in 2012

8:00 am: Fox and Friends: Now With More Fox and Less of Your Overbearing, Bleeding Heart, PETA-donating, Friends!

10:00 am: The Sarah Palin Variety House: Watch Sarah as she keeps a polar bear from eating her garbage!

11:00 am: What Wacky Things Has Our Wacky, Half-Cyborg President Done Now? Featuring an interview with Tim Geithner from prison!

12:00 am: FoxNews Health Tips: For a healthier choice, only choose potato chips as baked as Barack Obama was during college.

3:00 pm: Studio B: Julie Banderas licking a lollipop while the news ticker scrolls.

4:00 pm: Lou Dobbs Report: Lou talks about Lou's non-existent campaign to get some really handsome guy, also named Lou, elected President later this year.

5:00 pm: Glenn Beck: How to stockpile canned meat and fertile women.

6:00 pm: Actual news reporting.

7:00 pm: The Keith Olbermann Program: New arch-conservative Keith Olbermann blusters behind his 1950's glasses against the abuses of whoever cut him off in traffic today.

8:00 pm: The O'Reilly Factor: Yelling.

9:00 pm: Colmes. Alan talks to Senator Levi Johnston (D-AK) about his affair with Michelle Obama.

10:00 pm: Greta van Susteren Scowling at the Camera While She Thinks She's Smiling.

1:00 am: Red Eye: Pretty much just pornography now.

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The Worst is Yet To Come

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Top Halloween Costumes

Dr. Jose Chicoinio M.D. is here to tell you lads what the hottest Halloween costumes are in a top five countdown. We've heard all about people going as President Obama and, what are you kids doing now adays... uh, Walter Cronkite, but here are some even better get-ups.

5. In a hitch, if you don't have any clothes, you can always mutilate yourself for free.
4. An easy way to make blood if you go as a vampire is to put Hawaiian Punch on your mouth. Either that or use real blood.
3. Dress up as if you are invisible. When asked what you are, respond that you are dressed as the jobs the President has created.
2. Go around eating brains. If people ask if you are going around dress up as a zombie, answer honestly: no.
1. If you want your Frankenstein costume to be realistic, it never hurts to graft several limbs to your body in replace of your originals.


Note: Duh, these are fake. If you do them, it's your fault. Happy Halloween.
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This is America, 2009

Obama in Virginia with Gov. Tim Kaine.

Photo credit: Getty.
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This Picture Pretty Much Sums it Up

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Joe Gets a Visit from the FCC

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