Obama 'Close' to Firing Hillary Clinton

NOTE: This is a satirical article, which never appeared in any form in the Los Angeles Times, but is wholly representative of this site and this site only, it is solely meant for satirical purposes.

After Policy Clashes, Clinton's Role in White House 'Marginalized'
Jeremy Kimball


BANGKOK THAILAND-- Dining with Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton discussed widening ties between the US and the Southeastern Asian nation. Earlier in the day, the Secretary discussed the possibility of a US defense shield in the Middle East to counteract Iranian influence.

While on the surface this appears to be the ordinary work of America's chief diplomat, it is part of the shrinking role of the Clinton dynasty. President Obama chose the former First Lady after intense political pressure. The former rivals vowed to work together and were photographed at high-profile events in January and February.

However, since the disputed elections in Iran on June 12, there has been a widening split in the White House over foreign policy. President Obama, flanked by Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel believe in the 'balanced' approach the President has been taking on the subject. However, some in the White House, including Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary Clinton, have been calling for a tougher foreign policy stance.

There has been a widening dispute between the President and Secretary Clinton over several key points. While the major one was over Iran, Clinton disagrees with Obama's plans to open relations with Cuba, the Sudan, and Syria.

The two reportedly engaged in a heated verbal argument early this month, with the President deciding to curtail the Secretary's functions. These have included denying Clinton the ability to hire Sidney Blumenthal, a former Bill Clinton aide, as an advisor. Clinton was also absent when the President visited the G-8 conference this month. In addition, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an important trip to Eastern Europe instead of Clinton.

Rumblings of the split have been chronicled in the New York Times and the New York Daily News, but the splits appeared to be superficial in character.

However, late last week, our source acquired a statement from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel stating that Secretary Clinton was on 'thin ice.' Most troubling to the White House have been several statements pertaining to US foreign policy which were not cleared by the White House. One was a statement in which Clinton stated that she "hoped democracy would triumph" in Iran.

Emanuel also stated to us that Secretary Clinton had been working closely with her husband in order to further policy decisions. "No offense to my former boss," Emanuel stated, "but his presidency ended eight years ago."

Whether Secretary Clinton would be asked to step down is in doubt. It is highly unlikely for a US Secretary of State to step down during a presidential term. The last time that this happened was when Secretary of State James Baker resigned from the George H.W. Bush Administration in August 1992, in a non-pressured cirumstance.



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Obama Heard Calling Secretary Clinton a "Broad"

Alfred Friedman
San Diego Sun Times
Nothing Escapes Us Under the Sun

In what observers are calling "callous chauvinism," President Barack Obama was heard on tape denigrating Secretary of State Hillary Clinton during a discussion with White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, calling her a "broad."

Obama was reportedly frustrated that Secretary Clinton, his former primary rival, did not secure a key trade deal with China last week. According to Emanuel's staff, the President expected the deal to be one of the landmarks of his early foreign policy.

The recording, was dismissed by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as "a misinterpretation." Gibbs would not go into further detail. The Washington Post's editorial board also declined to comment on the story.

When listened to, the recording of the President states that, "...I really needed her to do this. (inaudible) ... another failure. She told me that she didn't want (inaudible)." The President is then interrupted by a question from Emanuel, to which Obama replied, "She told me that she didn't want to do it. But she has to realize that I'm in charge, Rahm. She just can't go spouting her own views on important trips like some broad from downstate New York."

The tape was released to the press, despite the objections Chief of Staff Emanuel. After the Governor Rod Blagojevich scandal, Emanuel's conversations have been taped by staff, which makes it possible for all of his conversations with the President to be monitored.

This controversy comes at a time when Obama's approval rating is slipping with the American public, and Secretary Clinton is rumored to be contemplating resignation.

Secretary Clinton was unable to be reached for comments because of her trip to the Middle East.

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Hillary Asks China to Buy Our Debt

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made an official state visit to China, and while there she made sure to ask the Red Chinese to continue buying our debt.

"By continuing to support American Treasury instruments the Chinese are recognising our interconnection. We are truly going to rise or fall together," Clinton said at the US embassy here.

Truly, she said it all. Now we're officially tying the future of our economy to the world's biggest autocracy. We're also making sure that they know it, too.

Clinton had sought to focus on economic and environmental issues in Beijing, saying Washington's concerns about the human rights situation in China should not be a distraction from those vital matters.

So after eight years of President Bush stating flatly that human rights are forefront in our policy, in one stroke it's reversed. Hillary (and by extension Obama) would rather have us fat and happy than Chinese peasants not get jailed for speaking their mind. The American Left is the first to state that they want to fight for human rights, but they are usually the last to do so.

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Hillary, Good Luck

Hillary Clinton, the former Senator from New York, was confirmed as the new Secretary of State of the United States. This comes as the United States is facing myriad problems and opportunities. Hillary has the opportunity to reach out to American allies and forge a new direction of peace. She also has the opportunity to craft a policy towards Iran that prevents them from getting nuclear weapons.

It is my hope that Mrs. Clinton uses her knowledge of foreign policy to help guide the Obama Administration to a better future. This is especially pertinent, because the President is not knowledgeable on foreign affairs.

Good luck, Hillary, America's future rests on your shoulders.

The Next NY Senator Should Be...

With all of the speculation of Hillary going to the State Department, the question of who would replace her has become a hot topic. I don't think she's going (despite all the buzz), but if she does, I want to lay down who should be the next Senator.

Now, I'm inclined for our Governor, David Paterson, to choose a Republican (Giuliani or Pete Lopez), but it seems unlikely. So, since the Senator will be a Democrat, I hope Paterson chooses himself. Paterson was originally named to be Lieutenant Governor so he could be named to the Senate when Hillary became President.

So Paterson could become New York's next Senator. He can choose any non-felon resident of the state that is over 30. Paterson is popular in New York and would easily be reelected in 2012. He is smart, determined, and has shown strength as a fiscal conservative. He is likable and has acted in a bipartisan manner, despite NY's natural inclinations to the Left.

Paterson would do well as a Senator and this would leave the Governor's mansion up to Giuliani to run for the next go-around.

Hillary Will Not be Secretary of State

I know that predictions have a way of being wrong sometimes, but it doesn't seem likely that Hillary Clinton will be the next Secretary of State.

She's aiming for the Supreme Court, if nothing else, during Obama's presidency. If Obama gives her the Secretary of State position, then she is out of the national scene. No landmark court cases on the Court and no major bills if she's in the Senate.

Of course she'll be on a lot of high-profile trips, but she'd get more attention as one of her party's leaders in the Senate. And another angle: if there's a problem in foreign policy, she's the Secretary of State. It could be her fault for angering the Iranians or getting the North Koreans to start their nuclear weapons program again. Obama can play that against any of her future ambitions.

I can see why Obama may want her to be Secretary. But I don't see why she'd take it.

Who Will be the Next Secretary of State?

A lot of the buzz on the next Secretary of State has been John Kerry. This is even considered a safe choice by the Huffington Post. However, it appears that there is also some speculation that NY Senator Hillary Clinton may take the position. This is even referenced by folks like Alan Colmes. According to the Washington Post:

The pick of the former presidential contender and Senate Armed Services Committee member would go a long way toward healing any remaining divisions within the Democratic Party after the divisive primaries.

So will it happen? It looks unlikely, considering she's been edging for the Supreme Court... but Obama may just offer it so that she can reject it.