Obama Administration Stockpiling Supply of "Hope"

Geoffrey Likeson
Conservative News and Reporting
"News for the Rest of Us"

WASHINGTON

Intelligence sources tracking the Obama White House have become alarmed by a sudden increase of secrecy since early February. Reporters' access to the White House, Pentagon, and CIA have been severely curtailed and the President has chosen to only appear on "soft" news programs, like Jay Leno.

What is the cause of this shift? Some intelligence experts have calculated that the President has been secretly using federal funds to stockpile massive amounts of something called "hope." This hope has been transferred to military facilities in Wyoming and Montana, in case of the need to use it.

This "hope" appears to be prepared for a number of uses, including propaganda, military, and civilian.

"Hope can do anything, according to the White House." said emotion expert Sam Kell, "It can transform a recession into a booming bull market, it can rekindle love, and can even cure cancer. These weapons of mass destruction are dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands."

The United Nations is also concerned with the rapid increase of the stockpile. Syria has proposed that the UN send weapons inspectors in order to verify if the stocks are dangerous.

"The Americans are already known for their evil acts and killing civilians," said Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Muallem. "We cannot trust them with such a supply."

There is also word floating in the intelligence community that the Administration is also stockpiling supplies of controversial and intangible items, such as rainbows and change. It is estimated that the costs of such programs will total over $300 billion over the next ten years.

"It may seem like a lot," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "But when we need it, we'll be glad we had it."

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Obama to CHANGE Laws to Get More Votes and Money

Yeah, this is change we can believe in. President Barack Obama plans to change the US Census from the Commerce Department to the White House. I think I'm getting a little sick, but holy crap, is he serious?

If you're unaware, two major things can happen if the census does change hands:

"If one party were to control the census, it could arguably try to perpetuate its hold on political power."

That's right, ladies and gents, Mr. President could very well increase the number of citizens here and there to get more votes in the electoral college, and lower the number of citizens here and there so the Republicans can get less votes.

The second major change:

"Theoretically, a political party could disproportionately steer federal funding to areas dominated by its own members through a skewing of census numbers."

So what happens? Here, Mr. Homeless Man, I've got some extra cash. Please have some...oh and remember to vote "Barack Obama" this November. Or maybe extra commercials, or ads, or campaigns, or more employees, or this, or that.

This change is not something I can believe in.

Obama's Starting to Sound Better

I don't know if anyone's been following the news lately, but Barack Obama has become a true politician. Many questioned his experience, but since he was elected, he has learned to disregard his promises and do what he-- or his advisors want to do.

Well, Obama got a lot of notice early in the primaries as an eloquent firebrand against the Iraq War. Now with the war being won and all, it sounds like he's changing his tune. That or he's confused. In any case, it's a real change from almost two years of campaigning. At this rate, he'll ask for American troops in Iraq for 101 years.

And I know that a lot of neo-cons also fantasized over Obama now appear to be believing in change even more. Heck, even Karl Rove is giving his praise to the President-Elect:

On the Wall Street Journal free market right they are seeing, in his economic team, the possibility that he is really as safe to capitalism as a banker. Karl Rove has concluded that "Mr. Obama's economic team was reassuring. He's generally surrounded himself with intelligent, mainstream advisers."

So-- it sounds like Obama's abandoning parts of his tax plan and appears to be bringing around a third term of George W. Bush!


Obama puts Hillary in State, keeps Gates on at the Pentagon. Gee, how long until Obama announces he's hired Bush as an "Assistant President."

Sheesh. I thought we were getting change. Those Obama voters might as well have written in Bush's name.

But a third term of George W. Bush isn't the worst thing in the world.

Continuity we can believe in!