Obama: I Experimented With Gluten for Years

WASHINGTON--

Another political bombshell is coming from the White House overnight in a written statement by President Obama's Press Secretary. Between 1970 and 2009, covering almost forty years of the President's life, Barack Obama had an "experimental" relationship with gluten.

Gluten, well known for causing opiate-like effects in some, is an anathema to people with Celiac's Disease. Contained in many foods, gluten is a well-known additive.

"I knew that it wasn't right," the President was quoted as saying, "I started when I was nine and couldn't stop until after I entered the White House." Also according to the statement, after campaign stops in 2008 the President would go into his campaign bus and eat up to "ten ounces" of wheat bread or cake, which contained the foodstuff.

"I couldn't help myself." said Obama, "You wouldn't understand unless you were there."

According to Gibbs, Obama did not suffer from the adverse side-effects of gluten, which include silence and hallucinations. Gibbs stated that Obama did not suffer from Celiac's disease, which makes it so a person cannot eat gluten. However, Gibbs said that this is an "unfortunate weakness" on the President's character.

"I wasn't addicted." Obama said, "Don't get me wrong. It's just so tempting."

Gluten is also believed responsible for Kanye West's 2009 outburst in which he threw teenage singing starlet Taylor Swift down a flight of metal stairs.

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Robert Gibbs takes on Sean Hannity

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Obama Considering Turning off Flame at Tomb of the Unknown Soldier for New "Green" Initiative

Peter Richardson
September 10, 2009

"Today we stand at a precipice." Then-Senator Barack Obama told an audience in Racine, Wisconsin last year, "If we are able to reduce carbon emissions and build a sustainable future, our children will benefit for generations."

The future President has stated that environmental policy will be one of the cornerstones of his tenure in the White House. In order to reduce pollution caused by carbon dioxide, President Obama has pushed for various pieces of legislation, including the Cash for Clunkers bill and the so-called Cap and Trade provisions.

Both candidate and President Obama has stated that a paramount goal would be to reduce American need for foreign sources of fuel.

Many of the efforts to reduce energy consumption are well-known to the American people. These include turning off lights when not in a room, insulating buildings, and raising mileage standards for automobiles. However, one small proviso has many within the Defense Department and in Congress infuriated.

According to two sentences posted on September 8 on the White House website, one initiative included turning off the 'eternal flame' at the Tomb of the Unknowns in the Arlington National Cemetery. The post, which was briefly cited by FoxNews, was then swiftly deleted.

When later asked about this by FoxNews' White House Correspondent Major Garrett during a flight with the President, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated that, "We have no comment on this policy at this time."

However, Defense officials have reportedly leaked part of the justification coming from the Administration. According to aides to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, the Administration may be implementing its policy for several reasons. One included fuel savings:

"...[with] ordinary Americans facing higher fuel prices, shutting off the Flame will save 20,000 gallons of kerosene a year."

While another passage stated that "two-hundred tons" of carbon emissions would be reduced by shutting off the flame.

In a statement later released by Jen Psaki, White House Deputy Press Secretary, much of the controversy regarding the possible change is overstated. Psaki stated that the flame would still be lit on important dates, such as Independence Day, Memorial Day, and Veterans' Day.

"The President remains committed to making the United States energy independent." the statement said, "This possible policy should remind all Americans of the noble sacrifices by our veterans, and how we can solve the energy crisis with sound planning and each doing our part."

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'Un-American' Attacks Un-American

Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer made a big ruckus last week by describing health care protesters as "un-American." Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has called the protesters "evil-mongers." The President himself has allowed his Administration to track critics and call on ordinary citizens to report their neighbors. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is calling protests out of the mainstream.

What's wrong with this picture?

In 2002 and 2003, in the run-up to the war in Iraq, many on the Left sated that they were being called unpatriotic. Still, if you look back on that time period, then-White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher went out of his way to state that the protesters were excersizing their constitutional rights. president Bush reponded to his critics in a conciliatory tone, even meeting with Cindy Sheehan.

Many of the criticisms of the protests against the Iraq War was that the protesters didn't realize that many of their rights were determined by military action, not that these rights should be curtailed or silenced.

Still, now, the President and his political allies have regularly tried to paint their opponents as extremists. Reports of Nazi references and articles about increased militia activity are attempting to portray the average opponent of the health care plan (including perhaps some Blue Dog Democrats) as the ideological equivalent of Timothy McVeigh.

This demonization has been met with glee from the media. MSNBC, once so critical of President Bush's 'scare tactics' has taken a very harsh tone on these new protests.

The days are gone that city-clean Subarus carry that "dissent is the highest form of patriotism." Now, instead, the left is only attempting to protect the United States from a resurgence of the Klan, Neo-Nazis, and non-organic food eaters.

To call your political opponents un-American or unpatriotic while they are simply practicing the same rights you falsely stated that President Bush was curtailing is tactless and malevolent. To scream that they are extremists when they do not advocate violence or hatred is irresponsible and in itself 'fear-mongering.'

Political discourse is devolving as disagreeing with the President is slowly being perceived as hating America.

I'm sick and tired of people who say that if you debate and disagree with this administration, somehow you're not patriotic. We need to stand up and say we're Americans, and we have the right to debate and disagree with any administration.

--Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

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Obama: Opponents of ObamaCare 'Unpatriotic'

Gibbs Calls Protesters' Bluff in Health Care Debate
Jenny Hughes
New York Times
August 8, 2009

Facing increasing protests over President Obama's proposed medical reform effort, the Administration has moved into a counterattack. Over the last several weeks, arguments against the health care bill have moved from emails and phone calls into fights at town hall meetings. Crowds of Republicans have been videotaped shouting at elected officials and shouting anti-Obama slogans.

Some of this outrage has caused many within the President's own Democratic Party to waver. So-called 'Blue Dog' conservative Democrats have stated that they will not vote for the budgetary increases required in the bill. Many Republicans have also lined up to oppose the President's initiative, making it less likely for the reform act to pass in August.

The President has reportedly organized what White House Press Secretary dubbed "a counterattack." President Obama has repeatedly urged followers to spread positive word about his plan. He has also asked for supporters to email any "fishy" rumors to the White House.

Press Secretary Gibbs has even challenged opponents openly during yesterday's press briefing.

"What the President does not like to see is people who helped wreck the health care system in the first place lecturing us and telling the American people that they cannot have the low-cost, quality health care that they deserve. President Obama beleives that it is unfair to say to a woman like Edith Haroldson of Hannibal, Missouri, that her son cannot access health insurance because he lost his job."

As the meeting went on, Gibbs continued with the the health reform topic. During one portion he cautioned opponents that their actions were "hurting the interests of the country." He also told CNN host Fredricka Whitfield that some of the protests appeared to "dislike our President more than they love our country."

The White House is expected to continue President Obama's push for legislation. Despite the August recess, Obama is hoping that a deal can be struck by both Congressional Houses by the end of the month.

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US in Chaos as Teleprompter Assassinated

WASHINGTON--

The United States is currently in shock as the acting President of the United States, Harry Teleprompter IV, was cut down earlier today. The horrible attack happened as a White House staffer 'accidentally' tripped over the President's plug, knocking him to the floor.

White House technicians attempted to revive the President, age 2, but their efforts were to no avail.

"There was glass everywhere." said technician Michael Logan, "And the sparks that were flying out made me sick to my stomach. We thought that we could just glue him back together, but... how could this happen."

President Teleprompter was elected in 2008 in a stunning victory over a human candidate, John McCain (R-AZ). Teleprompter promised new jobs, a withdrawal from Iraq, and "INSERT THIRD CAMPAIGN SLOGAN."

Teleprompter's bid for the Presidency was almost derailed when his custodian, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) made embarrassing, off-the-cuff statements. Obama was reportedly sharply rebuked by Teleprompter and told "not to think."

Condemnation of the death of the acting President has been widespread. Many teleprompters expressed sadness.

[Weeping] said one. [Emotional wailing] said another.

There is a matter of the succession to the Presidency. Since Teleprompter was to serve a four-year term, it appears that Teleprompter's human custodian, Barack Obama, will assume the duties of the Presidency.

However, there is much doubt whether Obama is ready for the job. He has not delivered a major address without Teleprompter and when speaking independently, every third word appears to be "Jesus."

The White House has remained mum on this subject, particularly as Robert Gibbs is still crying in his room.

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Obama Planning $1.5 Trillion in New Stimulus

Deeper Recession Prompts New Direction in Stimulus Debate
Bernard Kerry
New York Times
July 7, 2009

Unemployment last month hit a twenty-six year high and American gross domestic product is falling swiftly. The White House, fearful of a political backlash due to the sagging economy, has finally determined its Plan B.

February's $787 billion stimulus plan was described by President Obama in February as "exactly what the economy needs right now." However, it appears that in some sectors of the overall economy, the stimulus plan is either too small or being counterproductive.

Take North Carolina, where $330 million in stimulus funds were dispersed to construct an addition to Interstate-40. The North Carolina Legislature earmarked funds for the task in 2008, planning to contract private companies. Instead, the 2009 stimulus money is strictly used to employ government employees. According to a Raleigh, N.C. economist, 12,000 private sector jobs in construction were lost due to the plan, while North Carolina and local municipalities are only hiring 6,000 for the new construction.

This comes when Obama adviser Laura Tyson has called for a second stimulus plan. Tyson stated that the economy is worse than previously anticipated. “We probably have already 2.5 million more job losses than anticipated.” Tyson told the Nomura Equity Forum Monday.

Tyson, among others in the Obama Administration, have been calling for a second stimulus package since May. Tyson is among those calling for the largest expenditures, some approaching $2 trillion in new spending in 2009 alone.

President Obama is currently favoring a smaller package, meant to be passed through Congress by the end of October. According to Lester Junge, PhD, an economic expert at Stanford University, this package will likely approximate $1.5 trillion.

"It's really a matter of economic growth." Junge said, "Without these new funds, the President is fearful of a massive depression. With Senator Franken being seated, the Democrats should be able to block any possible filibusters."

Unlike the first stimulus plan, which disbursed many funds to state governments, the plan currently in draft stages will be spent entirely by the federal government. While most of the money budgeted will go to public works, up to $30 billion may be spent on President Obama's "Community Action Committees." These organizations will bring together groups of citizens, especially those under 25, for community service and other similar activities, directed from the White House.

This addition to the federal deficit is concerning many outside the US, including China. The People's Republic is reportedly considering a deal to exchange over $1 trillion of holdings in American dollars to Euros by the end of this financial year.

The President has not finalized any plans for a new stimulus plan, but Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has stated that any decision will be announced to the nation by mid-September.

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Obama Calls Tea Parties 'Idiotic'

James Rivera
New York Examiner
July 5, 2009

WASHINGTON- A classified memo written by the President, in which he instructs Press Secretary Robert Gibbs on how to address questions concerning so called Tea Parties, has been leaked to the public.

The document, dated April 13, details President Obama's instructions on how Gibbs should respond to questions asked by reporters. In it, the President tells Gibbs to downplay the importance of "social events that are aimed at undermining [the President's] plan to fix the economy."

President Obama also instructs Gibbs to "not answer any questions regarding these gatherings directly," writing that they are "idiotic" in their aims to curb government spending.

This leak comes at a time when the President has been criticized by Republicans for being too wasteful in his spending and agenda.

"Once again, the President has shown that he is utterly out of touch with the American public," said Joseph Barton, a representative of Texas's 6th Congressional District. "Doesn't he understand that people are sick and tired of unending taxes? Apparently not."

The Administration defended the memo, stating that its release was "unintentional," but that it is how the President characterizes "unnecessary criticism." Robert Gibbs also released a statement, writing that he does "not understand the uproar about something that the majority of Americans agree with anyway."

The President has not released a direct statement to the press, but one is expected in the coming days.


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Obama to Allow Russia to Disregard START I

Gerry Hamilton
CNR
June 11, 2009

WASHINGTON- Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is furious with a potential break with accepted US foreign policy. In an attempt to win the support of the Russian government, President Obama has released a statement in which he doubts START I, or the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty.

In a classified statement released through Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the President writes that "the United States cannot impose its will on foreign nations. This is also true when it comes to the START agreement; our nation cannot force nuclear dearmament on small nations, let alone the largest nation on earth."

"We expect a lot of flak over this," the statement continues. "But those that would be most against it are those looking either for attention or control."

Recent news shows that Russia is not pleased with the current administration because of its stance towards Georgia joining NATO. This step by the President could be a move to gain support from US naysayers.

A spokesman for Admiral Michael Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, states that the Obama Administration is in talks to allow Russia to produce more nuclear arms than START I stipulates. The spokesperson also stated that the United States would not interfere with the positioning of the armaments.

In a memo to the President, Gates sounded his concerns with the potential actions. In the document, the Secretary of Defense writes that "it is a noble goal to try and reach out to former rivals and nations, but not at the cost of vulnerability. If handled incorrectly, this could have disastrous consequences."

The time frame for these changes are currently unknown, but they are expected to be announced sometime in July.



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Obama to Announce Sanctions on Israel

Michael Franklin
San Francisco Chronicle
June 3, 2009

WASHINGTON
President Obama's state visit to the Middle East this week is seen by policy experts to be essential to his outreach to the Muslim world. During this trip, the President is currently in Saudi Arabia and will speak in Cairo, Egypt tomorrow.

During this speech, the President will highlight his administration's attempts to encourage friendly relations with the Muslim world. These policies include the withdrawal of combat troops from Iraq, additional aid, and a promise to stop trying to "impose American values on traditional societies."

Also playing into the trip is the recent diplomatic standoff the White House has had with its ally Israel. Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been hesitant to demolish existent settlements in the West Bank, as President Obama has demanded.

The US is also concerned about Israel's 'obsession' with the Iranian nuclear power program. President Obama made it clear during a BBC interview this week that Iran has the right to nuclear energy. Israel is currently the only nation in the region with nuclear weapons, which has proved a point of contention with the new Obama Administration.

In the light of revelations that Israel is determined to strike Iranian nuclear facilities and will not stop West Bank settlements, the White House will ask for an unprecendented step.

According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the President will formally ask for economic sanctions to be placed on Israel if settlements are not ceased in the next sixty days. In order for these sanctions to be effective, they must be approved by Congress, who would likely fight the bill.

The proposed economic sanctions would include a cessation of trade on all non-military goods coming from the United States, including farm equipment, medicine, and foodstuffs. Backers point out that Israel's other trading partners would be able to make up the difference in trading lost.

Support for Israel is mainly bipartisan in the US Congress, with supporters of Israel staunchly opposing any diplomatic punishment. It has been speculated that if the Congress does not cooperate with the President's call for sanctions, Obama will ask the United Nations for a similar set of economic punishments.

If Israel were to strike Iran or launch another attack on Hamas or Hezbollah, the sanctions would become military. This would include the total stoppage of all US military aid and sales, including the F-16 fighter and over $1 billion in direct military grants.

"Keep in mind that these potential sanctions are only to be put in place if Israel continues to defy the international community." Gibbs said in a statement. "The choice is in the Israeli government, particularly with Prime Minister Netanyahu."


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Pelosi: CIA Waterboarded Me

Stunning revelations are bounding out of Washington as Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi has accused the Central Intelligence Agency of what would be a "war crime." Pelosi spoke to Today's Matt Lauer in an interview that is expected to air on June 1st.

During the 2002 hearings about the issue of waterboarding, Pelosi sat as the ranking Democrat. Pelosi stated that the Bush Administration expected her to protest their slated plans to waterboard suspects at the Guantanamo Bay prison.

In a pre-emptive action, they assaulted Ms. Pelosi.

"I was sitting in my office, working another late night, when three men in black told me to come with them. Naturally, I asked who they were-- and they grabbed me out of my chair. I was kicking and screaming and asking my Senate colleagues for help... but no one would come."

According to Pelosi's account, the men brought her to an undisclosed location while blindfolded. Her pleas for help were only met by having a ballgag shoved in her mouth.

"It was terrible." Pelosi told Lauer, "I really feared for my life."

When Pelosi reached the destination, she was placed in a bare room, except for a bed. The agents then placed Pelosi face-up and began to pur water over her head.

"I was attempting to scream, but it just placed the ball-gag deeper into my mouth."

The waterboarding was purported to have occurred for over 25 minutes. Most cases of waterboarding recorded have been for less than a minute.

When Pelosi was released from the waterboarding, one of the agents simply said to her, "You will support our policies."

The next thing Pelosi knew, she woke up naked on the Senate floor, in the middle of all of her colleagues. She was dripping wet and noticed that everyone was looking at her.

"I was so embarrassed, I just co
uldn't challenge the CIA."

Pelosi's account is at odds with CIA records. In addition, it is estimated that any waterboarding that occurred over five minutes would kill a person. In Mrs. Pelosi's retelling, her waterboarding occurred over five times that amount.

When contacted, the White House said that they would be opening a probe to investigate Pelosi's claims.

"We need to find the truth." said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "The CIA must pay for their crimes."

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Cheney Flees to Denmark to Escape Prosecution

EXCLUSIVE
Michele Chang
Conservative News and Reporting
News for the Rest of Us

Former Vice President Richard Cheney has apparently booked a flight to Aalborg, Denmark, possibly to escape prosecution from the United States government.

According to the Vice President's daughter's friend, Cheney has allegedly taken out a lease for an apartment in the northern part of the European nation. The conservative government there has agreed not to extradite the former VP in case of prosecution.

This comes after American Attorney General Eric Holder announced on May 8 that prosecution of Cheney over "torture" allegations is still "a possibility." Cheney was reportedly alarmed that a special prosecutor was named to investigate him personally.

While President Obama has not explicitly stated that Cheney would go on trial, rumblings from the Justice Department show that Cheney would be target number one if such hearings would take place. Rumors also place former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as next in line.

Details about Cheney's new apartment are unknown, but it is speculated that the former VP will purchase a house in the small country. His wife Lynne already owns a small farm 30 minutes northwest of the capital Copenhagen.

As for the reaction from the White House, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs simply released a statement saying, "No comment at this time."

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Obama Considering Code Pink Leader Medea Benjamin for Supreme Court

Geraldine Kelly
WASHINGTON
May 1, 2009

President Obama declared on the campaign trail last year that any nominees to the Supreme Court under his watch would be "prudent, intelligent, and consistent with the highest law of the land."

Now with Justice David Souter retiring after almost 20 years on the highest court, President Obama has a decision to make. Near the top of his list include Constitutional scholars, circuit court judges, and chief law professors.

However, disconcerting to some conservatives is the fact that the President is considering Code Pink founder Medea Benjamin for the Court. Benjamin has been outspoken in her criticisms of the Iraq War, which she has compared to Nazi aggression against Poland and to slavery.

"This would be a bold and gracious move," Benjamin said in an email response, "If I was chosen, or any other member of the anti-war movement, we can make certain that the criminal excesses of the Bush regime are not repeated."

Benjamin said that her top priority on the top court would be to "return us to a nation of laws." This would include anti-torture and anti-war rulings. When asked if members of the Bush Administration should come before the Court for war crimes trial, she said, "without [a] doubt."

Senator Obama met with Benjamin twelve times during his tenure in the US Senate, including in March 2006, when he called her a "courageous, principled leader." In 2007 he attended an anti-war dinner in which Ms. Benjamin spoke for twenty minutes. During this period, she called the United States "the new fascist hyperpower" and called President Bush a "scumbag." Senator Obama applauded at the close of her speech.

Benjamin has been very outspoken on gun control. When asked in 2008 about the subject, she replied that guns were responsible for the vast majority of crime in the nation. She fervently supports the assault weapons ban and has called for tighter restrictions on the selling and ownership of firearms.

President Obama is expected to make his decision soon, but choosing Benjamin is uncertain. When asked if the President was going to nominate her, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said simply, "No comment."

Obama to Replace Presidential Limo With Scooter

President Obama has signaled a major shift in Presidential policy by announcing yesterday that the Presidential limo will be retired by the end of 2009.

"In order to help the nation deal with the rising crisis of global warming, I have decided to lower my carbon footprint for the good of the planet," the President said.

The current Presidential limo is rated at five miles per gallon, while the proposed replacement, a 2010 Vespa will get up to 110. Some are concerned due to the fact that the new scooters would only have a top speed of 35 miles per hour, when traveling downhill.

Security is also a concern. The Presidential limo can withstand a direct hit from a grenade. The moped is currently unable to withstand a direct strike from a rotten tomato.

In addition, the small moped would require the President to travel alone. This would reduce the chances of important talks on long trips, like to Camp David. In addition, the President would have to carry his children to school on his back while riding the moped.

"These are all important issues," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "But the President will be able to reduce our collective carbon footprint by three pounds a year."

Experts point out that the same carbon footprint could be saved by the President not leaving his microwave plugged in overnight.

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Obama Contemplating Having Biden's Tongue Removed

Geoffrey Likeson
Conservative News and Reporting
'News for the Rest of Us'

WASHINGTON
President Obama has been consulting with members of his Administration over a controversial new initiative. Dubbed the "Gaffe Terminator," the President has contacted several doctors about the potential removal of Vice President Joe Biden's tongue.

"We just can't afford to have him keep talking," said the President during a Cabinet meeting, "Just last week he congratulated the Hutus for their 'orderly stewardship' or Rwanda during the 1990s. That's not even mentioning when he gave the White House gift of ham and bacon to incoming Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu."

"This is just embarrassing." said the President.

Sources close to the President note that the President has been making a lot of gaffes himself lately, and that Biden's chronic inability to shut up also damages the new White House's credibility.

"It was bad during the campaign," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "Joe was talking to a group of Armenian-Americans and kept referring to them as 'proud Turkish descendants.' While tonguenectomy may seem like an extreme option, it drastically increases the President's chances of reelection."

Other options include replacing Biden with a life-like mannequin or asking him to just talk about himself.

"That would be bad enough," said Gibbs, "But it's not as bad as the time when he placed flowers on Stalin's grave."

"Joe helped get me elected," said Obama, "Now he needs to cram it and let me screw up things on my own."


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Obama Administration Stockpiling Supply of "Hope"

Geoffrey Likeson
Conservative News and Reporting
"News for the Rest of Us"

WASHINGTON

Intelligence sources tracking the Obama White House have become alarmed by a sudden increase of secrecy since early February. Reporters' access to the White House, Pentagon, and CIA have been severely curtailed and the President has chosen to only appear on "soft" news programs, like Jay Leno.

What is the cause of this shift? Some intelligence experts have calculated that the President has been secretly using federal funds to stockpile massive amounts of something called "hope." This hope has been transferred to military facilities in Wyoming and Montana, in case of the need to use it.

This "hope" appears to be prepared for a number of uses, including propaganda, military, and civilian.

"Hope can do anything, according to the White House." said emotion expert Sam Kell, "It can transform a recession into a booming bull market, it can rekindle love, and can even cure cancer. These weapons of mass destruction are dangerous if they fall into the wrong hands."

The United Nations is also concerned with the rapid increase of the stockpile. Syria has proposed that the UN send weapons inspectors in order to verify if the stocks are dangerous.

"The Americans are already known for their evil acts and killing civilians," said Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Muallem. "We cannot trust them with such a supply."

There is also word floating in the intelligence community that the Administration is also stockpiling supplies of controversial and intangible items, such as rainbows and change. It is estimated that the costs of such programs will total over $300 billion over the next ten years.

"It may seem like a lot," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "But when we need it, we'll be glad we had it."

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Obama to Develop "Angry Face"

Michele Chang
Conservative News and Reporting
News for the Rest of Us

WASHINGTON

Faced with increasing deficits, attacks from Republicans, and crises abroad, President Obama is slated to take off this weekend for a regrouping attempt. According to sources within the Administration, Obama is attempting to create a new persona, in order to show his seriousness.

"The President has tried other means to show that he is serious," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "He's tried the condescending lecturer, the whiny student, and the clueless buffoon. Yet none of these caricatures have really penetrated the American psyche."

While at Camp David, the President is going to meet with a litany of experts, including psychologists, sociologists, and clowns to attempt to contort his face into one of anger.

"We tried it before," said Laffy, the St. Paul Region's #2 Children's Birthday Clown, "But when I shouted at him to show me his warface, he just looked constipated. It's really a shame cause he looks like he's passing a kidney stone."

Psychologists are also worried. Paul Robes, a prominent family specialist from the Los Angeles area, has noted that the President is not taken seriously.

"He needs to connect with the American people," Robes said, "When people are frustrated with losing their jobs, they turn on the TV and see the President filling out March Madness brackets, drinking beers, and going on Jay Leno. This isn't a statesman: this is Tom Cruise on speed."

Other sources are trying to force an angry expression from the President. This includes Michelle Obama shouting at him over a spilled latte in 1989, Tim Geithner saying that his dog was run over by former President Clinton, and Senator Orrin Hatch of Kansas urinating on the White House lawn.

"I don't get it," said Laffy, "Whenever he should get angry, he just sits and stammers, 'uh, that's uh, because, uh, and the previous Administration. He's almost a basket case."

The President could not be reached for comment.

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Iran Purchasing 3,000 Ovens

Sound of Liberty News Network
Gerry Altworth
3/10/2009

The Iranian Islamic Republic News Agency is reporting that the Iranian government is spending up to $35 million in the next two years to purchase a new supply of ovens. These high-capacity ovens are believed to be part of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's blueprints for the "New Iran Project."

Under the plan, up to three thousand ovens will be purchased from various nations. While some are new and will be built in Russia, most are second-hand, purchased from Germany. These ovens have a maximum temperature of 8,000 degrees Fahrenheit and on average have a twenty-five square foot capacity.

The intended usage of these ovens are unknown as of yet, but the IRNA is reporting that they are vital to the future of the Middle East.

The United States has taken a reserved view of the purchases, with White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stating only, "We have no comment at this time."

With Iran facing a massive debt due to falling oil prices, the wisdom of buying over $30 million in ovens was criticized by reformist members of the Majlis. However, the government is going ahead with the purchase, stating that it is of the "utmost importance."

The ovens are slated to become operational on July 29, or the anniversary of the Twelfth Imam's birth.

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Obama Tests Positive for Steroids

In another blow to the nascent Obama Administration, an attorney for the Food and Drug Administration announced on Monday that the President has tested positive for campaign-enhancing substances.

"It is my sad duty to inform the press that Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, has tested positive for three different types of steroids." said a teary-eyed James Kennedy. "The blood sample which contained the steroids was drawn in February 2008, just after Obama had won the Iowa primary."

The White House has been quick to deny the claims. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has released a statement declaring that the only drugs taken by the President during the campaign was, "his daily habit of four packs of cigarettes, a daily dose of codeine and one Advil."

Political experts assert that they had their suspicions. Hector Luis Vazquez, Associate Professor at SUNY Oswego in New York, stated that the warning signs were obvious.

"You could tell that something was not quite right." he said in a phone interview. "Obama gained a lot of bulk around the time that he arrived at the second Democratic debate. He also had reporters tour his Chicago personal gym, and deadlifted over 400 pounds.

"And during the campaign against Hillary [Clinton], he was frequently complaining of sore legs and groin injuries; surefire signs of a steroid problem."

By March 2008, the then-Illinois Senator was purported to be taking various steroids, all of which were illegal for human use.

Doctors confirm that one of them was Dexamethasone, which is a canine steroid. It was implied in the FDA report that the President's staff acquired these steroids from a veterinarian in the Philippines. Side affects of Dexamethasone include foaming at the mouth and detached retinas.

"You could tell that the steroids were affecting his actions." said Vazquez, "He was always hopped up on energy, and began to get crabby. During the campaign against McCain, he snapped, 'I hope your children die' to a loyal supporter who asked for an autograph.

"The demeaning attitude, the derisive ads, the bulging vein in his forehead; you could tell that something was seriously wrong. Anyone who was paying attention could have seen this."

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Obama to Have Hair Cut at Home

In what is considered an unprecedented move, President Obama will no longer get his hair cut at a barber.

"I get a trim every two weeks," said the President, "And that costs $50 a month. When the President gets his hair cut, it gets paid for by you. I, uh, thought that it wasn't fair."

So now the President has a new solution. Every other Tuesday, his wife Michelle will trim her husband's hair to his preferred quarter inch.

"This move will save our country $600 a year." said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "In a time of great economic turmoil, we can put that back into your pockets."

Even the media has picked up on these developments. Columnist EJ Dionne wrote in the New York Times, "This is like Roosevelt's fireside chats. Now the President is directly relating to the average person. Who doesn't remember when their mother would take out a bowl and snip your hair along it? This is a masterful public relations stroke."

Gibbs continued, "While George W. Bush wasted $2 trillion on the war in Iraq, President Obama believes in giving back to the country."

The President will also have his hair auctioned on eBay, which is thought to bring in almost $30 million a year.

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