Joe's Superbowl Lock of the Week

Dah-dah-dah-dah

Dah-dah-dah-dah

Dah-dah-dah-daaaah

Du-du-du-du-du!

It feels like a while but Dr. Joe C. is reporting for duty in order to line your pockets with lots and lots of cash! I know that a lot of you will probably be hammered or staring at some babe, but it's about time you put some cold hard cash down on the game.

It just so happens that Joe C., PhD (analytical physics, UC Berkeley) has some inside information on the game. And it also so happens that in 29 years of calling foot-ball, Joe C. has never, EVER gotten a call wrong. EVER!!!!

So now, for our listening and reading audience, Joe C. will provide for you, free of charge, the next winner of the Super Bowl.

The weather in Tampa is supposed to be a climid 65 degrees on Sunday, and the skies are going to open with the personal blessing of John Madden (rest his soul), on this, the true day of the football year.

And when the kickoff actually arrives, it will show that one of these two teams will have what it takes to take it all the way!

So our winner:

The Oakland Raiders

That's right. You heard it here first. When you make 100 beans on Monday morning, remember to call your good pal Joe. Remember to give good ol' Joe C. a cut, so I can move out of my mother's attic.

With Jim Plunkett in the pocket, the arm of the team is unbeatable. That guy is able to hit the stink off of-- something that stinks something real bad.

Coach Tom Flores knows how to get the attention of his men together. I mean, if he was able to get Cliff Branch to run more than five yards, he must be able to levitate or some other voodoo.

And Bob Chandler's expected to have up to seven TDs on Sunday. Seven, you ask? Wouldn't that break some sort of record? Well, I don't know. But it sure sounds nice.

Hell, even Derrick-freakin'-Ramsey's gonna score two touchdowns.

This game is the lock of the locks. I mean, not even zombie Houdini with five arms and a catheter could pull this shit off.

Final score: Oakland Raiders 132, What-er-place No-Balls 2. (Oakland gave them a safety to make the idiots feel better.

That's Joe C., known for service!

Joe's Lock of the Week

Hello, everyone. Although I feign to think that any of you need to be convinced further of my breadth of ridiculous intelligence, it has come to my attention that there are "professional" sporting teams that play each other. So, Dr. Joe has decided to throw his hat in and predict some games.

This week's lock:

The Sacramento Kings over the Cleveland Cavaliers, 125-100, on January 27

I have learned from a source that the Kings have several people who are very athletic on their team. Furthermore, I have been told that the Kings have one or two persons who are over six feet in height. With such overwhelming odds, I cannot conceive the Cavaliers as having a chance in this game called basket-ball.Although the Kings may be 3 and 20 on the road, I believe convincingly that they can vanquish the Cavaliers at home, even though Cleveland is undefeated there. I have also heard of a man called LeBron James, who makes over, and I am not exaggerating this, $100,000 a year. Such shenanigans will not help the Cavaliers, for I, the almighty Joe, have predestined it.
Remember ladies and gents, Joe does not condone gambling, for it feeds the devil's veins.