Joe Writes Book Slamming Gluten Industry

Doctor Joseph H. Chicoine, fresh off of contesting the stolen Senate election in New York is back on the trail, this time touting his new book: Toast: How Big Gluten is Destroying America. Chicoine's book slams the Gluten industry, which willfully advertises the narcotic substance on children's televisions shows and in sports magazines.

"I'm sick and tired of it," Chicoine said, sipping a glass of 1889 Merlot, "They advertise the 'benefits' of a balanced diet-- of a nice big sandwich or a slice of pizza. They should know that any of those could place a person with Celiac's disease, like Kanye West, in a apoplectic seizure."

Chicoine is planning to try and get the Congress to pass new regulations banning gluten or at least placing warning labels on loaves of bread and cracker packages.

"I was thinking 'you will die if you eat this,' on pita bread," he said, "It's the least we can do for an organized and civil society."

He was still bitter over last Tuesday's election results.

"Gillibrand should take the lead on this," he said of his former primary opponent. "It's the least the bitch could do."

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Obama: I Experimented With Gluten for Years

WASHINGTON--

Another political bombshell is coming from the White House overnight in a written statement by President Obama's Press Secretary. Between 1970 and 2009, covering almost forty years of the President's life, Barack Obama had an "experimental" relationship with gluten.

Gluten, well known for causing opiate-like effects in some, is an anathema to people with Celiac's Disease. Contained in many foods, gluten is a well-known additive.

"I knew that it wasn't right," the President was quoted as saying, "I started when I was nine and couldn't stop until after I entered the White House." Also according to the statement, after campaign stops in 2008 the President would go into his campaign bus and eat up to "ten ounces" of wheat bread or cake, which contained the foodstuff.

"I couldn't help myself." said Obama, "You wouldn't understand unless you were there."

According to Gibbs, Obama did not suffer from the adverse side-effects of gluten, which include silence and hallucinations. Gibbs stated that Obama did not suffer from Celiac's disease, which makes it so a person cannot eat gluten. However, Gibbs said that this is an "unfortunate weakness" on the President's character.

"I wasn't addicted." Obama said, "Don't get me wrong. It's just so tempting."

Gluten is also believed responsible for Kanye West's 2009 outburst in which he threw teenage singing starlet Taylor Swift down a flight of metal stairs.

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Barack Obama's Original Inaugural Speech Found

I got an excellent tip from Just Politics about an awesome Obama speech generator. Here's what I got (edited slightly):

My fellow Americans, today is a joetacular day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "gluten", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually air-guitar.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces skinny and joe-normous challenges like never before. Our economy is horrifying. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for Sherman Halls. Our healthcare system is death-defying. If your groinal region is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a Kazakh prostitute. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a Joe's thing Indonesian dictionary. But shooting together we can right this ship, and set a course for SUNY Oneonta.

Finally, I must thank my red family, my awesome campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank college students for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of craving the American people. Without your insane efforts, none of this would have been possible.

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Kanye West: I Had a Gluten Overdose

Kanye West appeared on the Jay Leno Primetime program last night to offer another apology to country starlet Taylor Swift after upstaging the 19-year old at the VMA Awards on Sunday night.

RELATED: Zodiac Killer case solved after 40 years.

While many outsiders believe that the former rapper's outburst was a publicity stunt, a post on his blog paints another picture.

According to the KanyeWestAwesomeDawgGenius.com blog, the singer reportedly suffers from Celiac's disease, an autoimmune deficiency in which he cannot consume the common food product gluten. Gluten is present in many products, including those made from wheat. If gluten is consumed, the body will attack itself, like attacking pathogens. Symptoms of gluten overdose include memory loss, spasms, and hair loss.

West posted this on his blog this morning:

YO EVRY1. IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY 4 WAT I DID TO TAYLOR SWIFT. SHE IS SO beautiful AND talented AND IM SOOOO SORRY.

BUT UALL MUST KNOW THAT THIS WAS DUE TO A SIRIUS MEDICAL DISABILITY>> I HAVE CELIAK-- I CANT EAT GLUTEN OR I GET FUNKY. THAT NITE I EATED A BIG GRILED CHEEZ SAMWICH-- I DONT MEMBER A THING.

Doctors have actually validated the idea that West might be suffering from Celiac's.

"That weird hair style he was sporting the other night is consistent with hair loss attributed to Celiacs." Dr. Kenneth Yeller said Tuesday. "And West's confusing, rambling speech may be precursors to a violent spasmic outburst."

West appeared to be done apologizing by noontime, posting:

KEEP THE DREEM ALIVE>>! NO MORE GEORGE BUSH & NEOCON$$$!

"He's a basket case." Yeller said, "We can only hope he doesn't discover what a bakery is."

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Jumping in Pools Podcast #2: Joe Guest Hosts

Don't forget to listen to the first podcast!

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Schoolhouse Rock: No More Kings

Schoolhouse Rock presents a quick history of the American Colonies:



Dedicated to the memory of Joe, who said, "Give me liberty or give me gluten!"

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Joe Donating $500,000 to Orphans

In yet another act of benevolent charity, Joe C. has agreed to send a half-million dollars to the Orphan Connection, a support and resource service for orphaned children.

Joe C., heir to the Pennsylvania Gluten Company fortune, has given much of his family's money to charities in the past. Unfortunately not all of these have been the most wise decisions. One of these was Go Cancer!, which was a medical cabal researching ways to make cancer more deadly.

Another bad gift was to the Shoot Puppies Foundation, which as its name suggests, uses its money to use AK-47s to machine-gun puppies.

But Joe's trying to turn it around.

"I'm just trying to make the world a better place." he said, "We all need to pitch in."

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Joe Releasing Two Hostages

ST. PAUL, MN

Joe has reportedly agreed to release two prisoners from captivity in his tense, two week standoff with police and military forces. This is taking place at the Smucker's Gluten Factory in St. Paul, the largest in the Midwest.

"I stands what I stands and I can't stands no more." Joe reportedly shouted from a rooftop, angrily wielding a spatula.

Joe's demands are unknown, but he is reportedly asking for Nancy Pelosi's hand in marriage.

Police have snipers with their sights directly at Joe's rapidly beating heart.

"Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit." Joe was reported as saying.

Joe said that this was his second hostage situation this year after he "held Oneonta's heart hostage" since he began attending the school in August 2007.

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Ask Jumping in Pools

Sal in Los Cruces, California asks

Is it true that Joe is a convicted murderer?

A: If you don't stop staring at us, he'll kill again. I'm telling you, he's sharpening his gluten-free knife right now.

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