Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Obama: I Experimented With Gluten for Years


Another political bombshell is coming from the White House overnight in a written statement by President Obama's Press Secretary. Between 1970 and 2009, covering almost forty years of the President's life, Barack Obama had an "experimental" relationship with gluten.

Gluten, well known for causing opiate-like effects in some, is an anathema to people with Celiac's Disease. Contained in many foods, gluten is a well-known additive.

"I knew that it wasn't right," the President was quoted as saying, "I started when I was nine and couldn't stop until after I entered the White House." Also according to the statement, after campaign stops in 2008 the President would go into his campaign bus and eat up to "ten ounces" of wheat bread or cake, which contained the foodstuff.

"I couldn't help myself." said Obama, "You wouldn't understand unless you were there."

According to Gibbs, Obama did not suffer from the adverse side-effects of gluten, which include silence and hallucinations. Gibbs stated that Obama did not suffer from Celiac's disease, which makes it so a person cannot eat gluten. However, Gibbs said that this is an "unfortunate weakness" on the President's character.

"I wasn't addicted." Obama said, "Don't get me wrong. It's just so tempting."

Gluten is also believed responsible for Kanye West's 2009 outburst in which he threw teenage singing starlet Taylor Swift down a flight of metal stairs.

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Joe C. said...


Kanye West said...

Yo, that shit is fucked up, yo.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that's good. I thought it was LSD flashbacks or something. I was relieved to find out it was only gluten. Everyone experiments with these things. I simply do not believe gluten is a gateway drug. We should legalize it or something. I'm pro-medical gluten as well.

Robert Simms said...

Southern man says he doesn't believe gluten is a gate way drug.......but if you'll check, I'm sure you will find that 100% of those in prison today used gluten. The states are even required to see to it that prisoners be given gluten every day.
Oh, the horror !

Oobama said...

Hey Gluten is ok to eat, let me tell you why. When you don't participate in certain illigal activities that include illigal drugs it's ok to now and then have a little treat for yourself and that my friends, that is what I was doing. Treating myself after a long days work. Kanye he's a jackass.