My fellow Americans, today is a joetacular day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "gluten", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually air-guitar.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces skinny and joe-normous challenges like never before. Our economy is horrifying. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for Sherman Halls. Our healthcare system is death-defying. If your groinal region is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a Kazakh prostitute. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a Joe's thing Indonesian dictionary. But shooting together we can right this ship, and set a course for SUNY Oneonta.
Finally, I must thank my red family, my awesome campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank college students for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of craving the American people. Without your insane efforts, none of this would have been possible.
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