Obama to Promote Calvin Klein's Newest Cologne: "Recession"

WASHINGTON- To combat dropping sales of Calvin Klein's Obsession cologne, and spread awareness of unemployment, the multi-billion dollar corporation has received the aid of America's biggest celebrity: the President.

"It was weird, you know," Klein said in an exclusive interview. "The President gave me a call, telling me that the government would always be there if my company started losing money. He was a God-send.

"I asked him, you know, 'don't you have to combat unemployment,' and he was like, 'what now?' So I told him about unemployment breaking ten percent. He didn't know what I was talking about, but he kept saying 'wow, people should really know about this employment thing.'

"It just so happened that sales had also been declining for us and a brand-new cologne was dropping that week," Klein continued. "I had a genius idea: combine the new cologne and unemployment. It was a match made in heaven.

"All I did was ask him to do an ad or two, and he asked 'when and where?' Just like that."

Recession, which is going to be available to the public this Christmas season, is highly anticipated by cologne enthusiasts. It is also expected to revive slumping Calvin Klein sales.

According to Klein PR sources, ads featuring the President will start airing in mid-November. These ads have been carefully protected, and few details are known about them.

However, PR sources have confirmed that President Obama will be featured prominently in the ads. Furthermore, it is confirmed that the President will be shown shirtless and will whisper "Recession" in camera close-ups.

"I am looking forward to these ads," stated the President Monday. "Calvin is a good friend of mine and I'm always looking to help him out. He also promised me a free case of the stuff, so I'll be smelling like Recession for months to come."

There is no word yet if the Recession will affect the President's approval rating.


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Signs that the Recession is Bad...

10. Bill Gates sold his Lamborghini for a Geo.
9. Obama has been told to ration his "Uhhh"s
8. We are running dangerously low on our national stockpile of funk.
7. Obama's betting $50 billion in Vegas this weekend.
6. Money is so tight, Congress gave itself a raise.
5. Rich New Englanders contemplating feeling bad for the poor.
4. Democrats decide to only spend $830 billion in wasteful spending this year.
3. Obama is filmed during a press conference falling to his knees and shouting, "WHY!?"
2. Tim Geithner works the night shift at McDonald's.
1. Californians have again taken to "California Cheeseburgers."

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Causes of the Great Recession

10. 2007's biggest fad of burning massive piles of cash.
9. Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) successfully lobbying the government for $50 million in white sheets.
8. Stupidity.
7. Every time Obama says "Um..." the Dow tanks 200 points.
6. By 2006, Britney Spears and Hannah Montana accounted for 20% of our GDP.
5. Umm... we don't make things any more.
4. The tragic events of 11/4/2008.
3. Chevy introducing an SUV that got 4 gallons per mile.
2. FCC instituted $50 fine someone texted omg, lol, or rofl.
1. Did I say stupidity?


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Obama Hires Rumplestiltskin to Spin Gold for Treasury

WASHINGTON
Conservative News and Reporting
News for the Rest of Us
Geoffrey Likeson


In a bold turnaround, President Obama announced during a press conference today that he is determined to turn the economy around.

"With this deficit and with our looming recession, the time cannot be more urgent," the President said. "That is why I have taken a step that the previous Administration deemed too 'radical.'"

The President then showed a picture of a funny-looking troll, who was working a spinning wheel.

"This," the President motioned, "Is the solution to all our problems."

Named Rumplestiltskin, this mythical creature is believed to spin straw into gold. The Treasury Department estimates that the troll could create up to $3 trillion for the federal budget this year alone.

"It's really an efficient idea," said Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, "We waste over 10,000 tons of straw each month. If these are spun into gold, hell, even silver, we're doing really well."

Critics have blasted the President's new plan, deeming it "unrealistic," "fanciful," and "mind-bogglingly stupid." They point out that Rumplestiltskin is a fiction character created to scare unruly children.

"Seriously," said Arizona Senator John McCain, "I lost to this guy?"

The Senator then walked out of the Senate Chambers and kicked a dog.

__________________________________________________
Special thanks to Professor Q. Pepper, for giving us this idea.

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China's Economy In Trouble

The Chinese economy has been growing massively in the last decade. It's been growing at about 10% a year and was looking to explode into 1st World status. But the global slowdown is even affecting the Chinese.

Unemployment is now estimated to be at its highest levels since the Communist Party took over in 1949. Job creation and preservation has become a top priority of China's leaders, who are acutely aware of the role a deteriorating economy played in the 1989 Tiananmen Square protests.

Economists say that if the growth of China's gross domestic product dips below 8 percent -- a healthy rate in most countries -- it would be a disaster here. The reason is that the demand for jobs would far outpace China's ability to create them.

While the dollar was weak, American factories were able to produce more, as they were able to sell it to other countries with strong currencies. If the Chinese economy continues to be weak, then American industry could take the initiative and gain back a lot of prestige lost over the last 30 years.

Oil Demand to Drop?

According to the Financial Times, global demand for oil may plummet over the next year thanks to the recession. If true, it could minimize OPEC cuts and further deflate the price of oil:

“The increasing likelihood of a prolonged global economic downturn continues to dominate market perceptions, putting downward pressure on oil prices,” it said, forecasting that demand would drop 50,000 barrels a day this year and a hefty 450,000 b/d in 2009. US oil demand will drop next year to the lowest level in 11 years.

It's not all good though, as oil will have to rise sometime:

Oil would return to about $75 a barrel within the next three years, it said, while food would trade 60 per cent higher than in 2003, but about half below this year’s record.

Still, it would be good news to hear that oil prices may continue to slide and nations that are hostile to us will have less money to throw around for a while.

Will Obama Be Blamed for This Recession?

This question may seem like a bit of a farce, but I'm serious. The economy's in rough shape and millions are out of work. House sales and construction is down, and it appears that it will only get worse.

Our 44th President, Barack Obama, will take office on January 20, 2009. The current economic downturn has been going on for months. However, when Obama takes office and the economy doesn't automatically right itself, will he be blamed? Will the millions out of jobs call it the "Obama economy" and will realtors blame Obama's real estate policy?

Sounds crazy, no? Well, it happened for our current President, George W. Bush. Memory a little hazy? Our last recession's underpinnings began in 2000. Yes, there weren't two consecutive quarters of negative growth that year, but so far it hasn't happened in 2008. So technically, we're not in a recession. So Bush must be doing a great job, right? So when Obama takes office and the news of two negative quarters comes in, he'll be blamed, right?

It happed for 43. This will be our test to see if it happens again.