Technology of the Week

Dr. Joe's going to need a vacation with all of the stupendous research that he's been doing. I've been searching the deserts of Italy and the jungles of Mauritania in order to find you the next great wonder. And here it is:

Joe's Technology
Botox

Tired of looking like some sort of transvestite clown when all you want to do is get a date? Well, listen to good ol' Doctor Joe and inject yourself with gallons of this miracle cure.

Discovered in the urine of infants, this "poison" firms the skin and makes you look like you had surgery. In fact, it's obvious. People might stop you on the street just to say, "Wow!" And if they're not recoiling in horror, then you might just get Christie Brinkley to take you to prom.

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Joe's Technology of the Week

I've been in the jungles of Arizona, getting ready to telegram you back this report. I have seen some very titillating things, and as citizens of the 43 states of America, you need to know about them. We have a masterful new technology that will be arriving to our shores any year now!

Joe's Technology:
The Victrola

Invented just last year by Zulu tribesmen, this device is reportedly able to reproduce the voice of an actual human. Not only that, but the disks which carry the voice can be transferred, and used to commit insurance fraud!

I know there's concerns that these machines can steal your soul. But you must stay assured that there is only a 45% chance of that happening. In fact, feel better knowing that if this is true, President Taft's soul would be stolen too!

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Joe's Technology of the Week

Dr. Joe here, coming back from my expedition in Prussia, attempting to convert the local Huns to Christianity. I couldn't understand a damn thing coming out of their mouths, as I was too busy looking at their pointy helmets.

Joe's Technology of the Week:
8 Tracks

The age of the LP is exiting the stage and the replacement is the 8 Track. So take your Pinto and put in a player, cause we can drive to disco all night. These tiny tapes are only four inches long and can give you up to forty minutes of music. They are so popular, there is even talk of them replacing television.

My advice is to buy all of the 8 Tracks you can, before everyone else can get ahold of them. You can impress your neighbors by boogyin' until four in the morning to some of the rockin' tracks. With music from Cher and Starland Vocal Band, you will be one cool cat. So buy before the stores run out!

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Joe's Technology of the Week

Dr. Joe is back from the reaches of the Congo and has discovered new technologies that can even civilize the wily Eskimo. With the fast pace of our world, we must remember that even five years ago we did not even have the automobile! That is why we must strive to help build the future of our mutant, half-human half-insect children.

Joe's Technology:
SteroidsFrom the most advanced laboratories in the world comes this remarkable potion of life. By inserting a long syringe directly into the testicles of a pubescent boy, we have the great injection of steroids. It has been reported that a man was able to lift three horse with three arms after just one shot of these wonders.So I say unto the masses: take steroids! There are no negative side effects, and if anything, it will make you smarter and more handsome. They enhance your health and reportedly cure all forms of cancer. And for the men, I hear that it makes more than just your muscles bigger (hint). So take out an old, used syringe and inject today!



NOTE: This will probably kill you. Do not do this. Yes, this means you, A-Rod.

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Joe's Technology of the Week

It's been years since I received my Doctorate from Her Majesty's Medical College at Oxford. However, in that time I have been chasing down some of the best technological advances to make sure that you live a longer, healthier life! After all, if you can't live to work in the coal mines, why live at all?

Joe's Technology of the Week:
Amputation

With the rise of the Crimean War and the continual problems with maggots, we must make sure as a society that we are prepared. That is why Dr. Joe, MD has prepared for you the best cure for most of your ailments. These could include a bullet in the foot, typhus, or even a simple cough.

By amputating everything from feet, arms, and even the genitals, the human body can regain all of its functions. We all know that illnesses are caused by bad thoughts and curses, so if you were contemplating bawdy things about the local schoolmistress, you can solve that at once by taking a rusty blade to your bollocks.

With just fourteen hours of cutting, most everything can be removed from the human body. It has been reported that up to 55% of those who undergo amputation survive the process! Sign me up today! Further, almost 25% do not suffer from chronic infection or gangrene!

So call up your local doctor or get out that trusty mitre saw and get chopping!


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Joe's Technology of the Week

Dr. Joe, MD has returned from the jungles of Borneo with the newest contraptions known to mankind. Having been an associate of Tesla, Machiavelli, and Jefferson, I have come to know things that would cause an ordinary man's head to explode in righteous fury!

Joe's Technology of the Week:
The Cotton Gin

Invented by Eli Whitney just last year, this technological marvel will assuredly change the world. With two-thirds of our economy coming from farmed goods, we must make sure that we can keep the balance of cotton over those dirty Egyptian mongrels.

Among the hidden advantages of the cotton gin, it will slow the development of automated machinery. With this great aspect, we will be able to keep our unpaid laborers on the fields longer, making sure that they enjoy their pig's tripe and cow brains. By prolonging this so-called "slavery," we can rocket our economy into the twentieth century.With these techonolgical leaps, it is estimated that a man could buy a shirt for less than one-hundred dollars! We must make sure that we keep this technology our of the hands of the Prussians, lest they ransack the whole of Europe in cheap textiles!

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Joe's Technology of the Week

Surely all of you standing here have heard many-a-thing about this newest wonder of science and religion. Yes, borne from the fruit of the religious establishment comes our greatest contraption ever to rule the seven skies.

The Bi-Plane Aeroplane

Invented in 1903 by two mentally unstable bi-cylcing salesman, this contraption works by emitting rays of holiness into the atmosphere, causing evil spirits to leave. This effect makes the contraption float, by magickal science.

The aeroplane is projected to fly over 45 miles per hour. Any faster, and the pilot would most assuredly die. In fact, there is word that one aeroplane even flew higher than four yards! It is a wonder that that pilot did not have his testicles explode from the pressure!

So get, ready, Brittania. By 1905, you will be able to own one of these flying machines for under ten pounds. You will be able to give them to your children to fly to their friends houses or to firebomb the house of the local village gypsy.

Enjoy!

Joe's Technology of the Week

Behold, I am back from the far reaches of Africa with many new revelations to portend to you fine folks. I have met with many top scientists in Milan and Bremen on the return trip and now give you the marvel of the 20th Century:The Electric-Chair

Why, this is no ordinary chair. No, indeed, it is not meant for simple sitting, but the execution of those deemed unfit for society. Whether for murderers, adulterers, or stutterers, this chair will fix them all right up! Just sit them down, distract them for a second and attach the metal cap to their skull. When they are concerned, just tell them that it is for medical purposes. When they relax, pull the switch, and within three hours your problem is gone.
These electric-chairs are first slated to go to prisons and mental wards, but will become available for home use by 1890. By this time, you will be able to finally invite that pesky mother-in-law over for dinner and ask her to sit in your favorite chair. And when she is unawares, she will be in for quite a shock!So purchase away, fine gentlemen, and you will be able to solve your problems and scare your children into behavior!

Joe's Technology of the Week

Joe C. has returned from the far reaches of the future, peering into such faraway times as 1900. From these lofty peaks, Dr. Joe is ready to wow the peons with his next pick of tomorrow!

Joe's Technology of the Week:
Medical Bleeding

Tired of always getting sick from the bad thoughts in your mind? Well, no longer will your children die of diphtheria because you looked at the milk maid too long. With the process of bleeding, you can get rid of all of the malevolent blood that your lust has caused.

By slashing your wrists, our doctors are able to extract up to three gallons of your unnecessary blood. This will then be burned ritually as a sacrifice to ward off spirits. Afterwards, you can immediately begin such fun and productive activities as loading hay into a barn or lifting a cow. With the lack of this bad blood, you'll feel better than ever, and your skin will look more vibrant.

So give bleeding a chance, even if you don't appear sick! You can never have too little blood!

Joe's Techology of the Week

Behold, Dr. Joe C. has returned from the future and has brought prognostications for all! Gather round and pay your nickels into my top hat and listen my tales of tomorrow!

Joe's Technology:
Phrenology

With all of the talk of the criminal and the bandit, we must take a hard, long look at what causes such deviant behavior as murder and going outside without a hat on. Look no further, as phrenology is on our side. Developed by our top civilized scientifiants, this new technology helps separate civilization from the bowels of Lake Victoria.

This wonderful piece of science can determine if people are more likely to commit horrendous crimes, like women wearing pants or men shaving their facial hair. By looking at the shape and size of one's cranium, we can see your most terrible flaws. Using this, we can selectively get rid of crime by exterminating those deemed obsolete. So stock up and learn the trade of tomorrow, unless your stubbornness zone is too large. Fortunately for me, I have lots of big things!

Joe is always right!

Joe's Technology of the Week

Doctor Joe C., MD, has been so kind to lend his knowledge of all thing scientific-y and write us a weekly column. Dr. Joe has decided that every Wednesday, he will pick out an up-and-coming technology and tell us why it's just awesome.

This week's technology:
ZeppelinsI know that all of you gathered here have heard a lot about the flying machines. Well, this one is a dolly of a new technology. Invented by the merging of science and religion, these new-fangled balloons will take you from Manchester to Calcutta in just six months! And there are genuine servant-boys on board, willing to pour your gin, and not spill it, neither.
The Zeppelin is the pinnacle of human engineering, and by the year 2000, will represent 40% of the global economy. As long as those nightmare Huns don't get the technology first! We must be ever-vigilant in order to make sure that these indestructible behemoths are not used for the purposes of piracy!

The Zeppelin, the wonder of tomorrow!