Chicoine Blasts Gillibrand Over Gluten Abuse

The Chicoine 2010 Senate campaign has taken another dramatic turn with a mass email flooding from Joseph H. Chicoine's (D-NY) campaign office. His office, or his dorm room at SUNY Oneonta, has been circulating "proof" that opponent and incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has been "lying to the American people" and has been "guzzling gluten like Obama did donations from BP."

According to Joe, who recently launched a campaign website, Gillibrand's days of "bitching up" New York are coming to an end. Sources in the Chicoine campaign claim that photos have been taken purporting Mrs. Gillibrand walking out of a bakery with two loaves of bread.

Billy at a Press Conference

"She's been buying so much of this narcotic with our tax dollars!" said campaign spokesman and runningmate Billy the Goat. "I'm so tired of that whore going around acting like New York is just some treadmill for her to run her flab on."

According to Chicoine Gillibrand "must consume 2-3 kilos of the stuff a day. That explains her fat ass."

Gillibrand's campaign has largely ignored Chicoine, claiming that they do not know who he is or why he hates her so much. Gillibrand famously challenged Joe to a debate to which he replied "get the fuck out of my face, I almost have $10,000 in Farmville." Gillibrand operatives are also suspected in the now-infamous "muffin Sunday" in which Joe was almost brutally murdered.

Despite Joe's hefty endorsements and massive war chest, it would appear that the race outcome is uncertain. Chicoine claims a large lead in the polling, but Gillibrand supporters point out that Joe conducted that poll by handing out $50 bills and shouting, "Who do you like!?!"

The primary is next month and Joe asks that voters of both political parties vote for him in their respective primaries. Celebrations are BYOB that night at SUNY Oneonta and all are invited (no albinos, please.)

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Chicoine Launches Campaign Website

 ONEONTA, NY: Senate hopeful Joseph H. Chicoine IV has launched a website for his quest for the United States Senate. This comes as his campaign, which he started last November, is starting to take off, with more than three people planning to vote for him in the September primaries.

"I didn't have money for anything elaborate," said Joe, "I spent most of my campaign contributions on that pencil to write things on. I had to do things through GoogleSites-- it was free and there's a picture of me with a kitty on it."

Joe's new political site can be found here: https://sites.google.com/site/chicoineforsenate2010/

Make sure to visit and donate to his campaign!

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Joe Hires FDR, Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt in Senate Race Dream Team

ONEONTA, NY--

SENATE CANDIDATE JOSEPH H. CHICOINE raised the stakes dramatically on Sunday night, announcing a massive hiring effort in his campaign to challenge incumbent New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic primary.

Standing in front of Schumaker Hall at SUNY Oneonta, Chicoine laid out his eight-point plan for victory.

"I have assembled the finest minds in American political life to assist me in my efforts to send Kirsten Gillibrand back to hell." Several passing orientation students proceeded to rip up their acceptance letters to the college.

Chicoine reportedly laid out $6.37 in his efforts, hiring former President Franklin Roosevelt as his communications director and Richard M. Nixon as his keeper of confidential information.

"I'm sure that President Nixon will take care of things." Chicoine said, citing earlier polls which place him in a hefty lead. "He will be in charge of my most intimate secrets, such as my 5-alarm chili recipe and my penchant for speaking with a British accent during weekends."

Former President Theodore Roosevelt will take care of security detail for the candidate, which has grown stricter since an assassination attempt last month. Roosevelt is said to be willing to spear Gillibrand if she attempts to kill Joe with poison darts, just as he knife-fought a cougar.

"He can take on this cougar," Joe said, "Meee-ow!"

None of the hired officials attended Chicoine's press conference, except for former President Millard Fillmore, whose bones were scattered at Joe's feet.

"I'm going back to Sherman Hall and am writing up my manifesto-- Gillibrand will be sorry she ever messed with the Joemeister!"

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Joe to Gillibrand: Don't Bother Me, I'm on my Computer

RENSSELAER, NY:  Continuing his aggressive posturing in his race against Incumbent Democratic Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, Joseph Chicoine (D) has raised the stakes once again.

Responding to Gillibrand's requests for a town hall-style debate, Joe C. has reportedly stated, quote, "Don't bother me right now, I'm on my computer."  This rebuff comes at a time when Ms. Gillibrand has plummeted in the polls against Joe, garnering only 99.8% of prospective voters.

Upon hearing the rebuke, Senator Gillibrand said, "Joe's just scared.  He refused to participate in that milk drinking contest too.  And who could forget when he refused to come over my house because he said he is 'allergic' to cats?  I have his campaign poster right here, where he is clearly holding a kitty cat."

Then Ms. Gillibrand held up this picture to the press:

"And who could forget when Joe met Kim Jong Il?"  Ms. Gillibrand then held up this picture:

An extended statement made by Joe reads, "Don't bother me right now, I'm on my computer.  Did you know that Spain beat Germany in the World Cup?  I watched the U.S. game.  Man!  Oh man oh man oh man.  Uh... What did you say again?"

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Chicoine Survives Assasination Attempt

Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, of Renssalear, New York escaped alive after a crazed lunatic made an attempt on his life. Chicoine is attempting to unseat incumbent first-term Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the New York Democratic primary in August. Chicoine shocked followers of politics around the country this week by picking up the weighty and surprising endorsement of South Carolina Senatorial candidate Alvin Greene. Chicoine has been increasing his already formidable warchest and has taken an early lead in polling.

However, despite all of the early headway in the campaign, the race took a tragic turn last night as Chicoine was campaigning in Utica.

"I was waving to oncoming traffic," Chicoine told the Utica Tribune, "I was getting a lot of honks and people often slammed on their brakes to show support. But then, out of nowhere, some whackjob came up and threw a muffin at me. It looked like it had a bite in it or something. I barely dodged the errant foodstuff right before it almost grazed my tongue.

"And you know what would happen if that occured."

Chicoine is unable to consume gluten or it would give him a state of almost narcotic euphoria. The condition is considered particularly severe especially in the light of Kanye West's horrific almost-fatal gluten overdose last year. Gluten was also blamed for Joe's bizarre pro-Zombie outburst last year.

"The last time I consumed gluten I danced naked on top of the Hunt Union building for six hours." Joe said, referring to a building on the SUNY Oneonta campus where he is a pre-law student. "The tried to get me down but instead I kept screeching and screeching."

The assassination attempt is considered just another barrage in an already tense primary. Joe has regularly referred to Senator Gillibrand as a "whore slut-dog" in almost all of his 118 public speeches and when asked about Joe's camapaign, Gillibrand allegedly asked, "Who?"

"Well, I'll tell you who!" Chicoine said in a May 19th stopover at downtown Syracuse's Pawn Your Memories store, "This is Joe Chicoine, ready to give you your walking papers. So get ready, horseface, cause I'm coming to knock you off your throne then take you out for dinner cause you're kinda attractive like that. Then I got on the bus."

Despite all of the bizarre statements of the Chicoine campaign, Chief of Staff Michael [last name withheld at his request] said, "Joe is going to win this. That is, if they don't stuff all of the ballot boxes."

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Joe Picks Up Greene Endorsement

 Democratic Senate hopeful Joseph H. Chicoine, also a contributor on our blog, has picked up another major announcement in his quest to unseat incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in a primary in August. Chicoine, of Rennsalear, New York, launched his campaign last July and has since pulled out to an early lead against Gillibrand and expanded his vast war chest. Not much has come out of the Joe campaign since April when the Committee to Elect Chicoine released sign ideas.

Joe has made the rounds lately, even writing several articles and comments on our blog. One article even garnered several hits. Joe has hit the streets of late, wandering through downtown Oneonta at three o'clock in the morning screaming, "Get a piece of Joe!" Analysts point to this as a successful strategy, having been used in Jimmy Carter's 1976 run for the White House.

But no news has been bigger over the last month than Joe's surprise endorsement from a fellow Senate candidate, Alvin Greene. Greene is running as the Democratic candidate against incumbent Republican Jim Demint in South Carolina.

In a press release revealed by the Chicoine staff on Friday, Joe called Greene on Monday asking for his "blessing." Greene, who apparently thought that he was called by an automated Jehovah's Witnesses service said, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." Later in the day Greene even called Joe, offering to do campaigning and "all that stuff."

Joe has kept this news close to his chest, even holding information that Greene had sent him "photos" and that Greene's campaign was funded by illiterate Uzbek goat herders. However, Joe did say that the endorsement was worth, "an entire loaf of gluten-free bread to me."

Joe has received several other endorsements over the last two months. Last week Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce called Joe a "voice of reason" and sent him twenty dollars. Joe has even hinted that his mother "may support" his campaign but that she was "on the fence."

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Joe for Senate Campaign Has New Sign Designs

The Joe Chicoine for Senate campaign is trying out a new look for his 2010 challenge of incumbent Democratic Senator Kirsten Gillebrand. Chicoine is making the change after his only campaign sign was vandalized by "rain."

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Joe for Senate Campaign Event Raises Over $6

Joseph Henry Chicoine IV, who shocked the world two months ago by taking an early lead in the Democratic primaries over incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillebrand, held a highly successful fundraiser last night.

Held in the basement of SUNY Oneonta's Sherman Hall, the fundraiser was attended by "up to three people." The dorm was largely empty as it is vacation on the SUNY campus. Chicoine, whose parents did not pick him up for break (and if they did, then Joe who is reading this should post some articles) was dressed to impress with a tuxedo and tri-cornered hat.

"It was a great day," said Chicoine, "I was there-- and that kid who never sleeps was staring at me while I made my speech. One of the janitors even asked 'why the hell' I was on campus still."

Chicoine made a speech railing against Gillebrand, calling her a "prostitute for Big Gluten." He also pointed out that Gillebrand votes consistently with President Obama, who admitted recently that he had an "experimental" relationship with the substance.

"I'm sick and tired of people who say that if they do not like gluten that somehow they are unpatriotic!" Joe shouted in the study room, "If you eat gluten you hate America!"

That weird kid without eyelids that doesn't sleep reportedly gave Joe a crisp $5 bill with his phone number on it. One of the janitors also gave Chicoine 35 cents she found in the back of one of the dryers. Joe also found 17 cents in one of his pockets and sold some of his autoimmune medication for another $2.

"We're going to beat that whore come the primaries," Joe said in an interview with JiP. When asked if he had actually filed papers for the August primaries, Chicoine simply said, "Oh, shit. That's bad, right?"

Joe announced his bid for the Senate last July, since promising an end to all war and a "unicorn in every garage." Chicoine has not backed off his support of zombism, despite his support for pro-brain legislation.

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Joe Takes Early Lead in NY Senate Race

New York Senate Candidate Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, has taken a commanding lead in one of the first primary polls released in February. Chicoine, a resident of Rensselear, NY, announced last year that he would challenge incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic Primary.

Not much has come out of the Chicoine camp in the last two months except a bizarre pro-Zombie outburst that has given Joe a sharp upturn with the living-impared community. Joe has also made the rounds, visiting the computer lab in Sherman Hall and the pond at Hunt Union. Shouting "Vote for Joe" he soon gathered a crowd of twenty students chanting "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe" to which Joe shouted "Chicoine!!!"

Joe also threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Oneonta Tigers Minor League stadium, even though there was no game there and no fans present.

Joe has been handing out fliers expressing his qualifications for office with the words "Got Joe?" on top. In the flier, Joe claims credit for creating four jobs by getting people on this blog to write about him incessantly.

"I've given people purpose." Joe said, "Many women live just to hope that they meet me. I'm truly an inspiration."

According to a WONY poll conducted in the first week of February, Joe is swamping Gillibrand with 67% of Sherman Hall voters. While most did not know who Gillibrand was, many were fired up about Joe's campaign. The poll interviewed three residents and has a MoE of 80%.

"He's going to fix everything." said one supporter. "He's truly the answer to our prayers."

Chicoine is planning to campaign outside of Oneonta, including a possible stop in his hometown. There he expects to garner as many as five more supporters.

Joe was confident in his campaign:

"Gillibrand, Harold Ford, it doesn't matter. There's just the Joe train and you better hop on."

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Chicoine Defends Zombism; Joe: 'Braaaains'

ONEONTA, NEW YORK- In the culmination of rampant rumors concerning the 2010 Senatorial Race, Joseph Chicoine, running for his first term, is defending his zombie platform.

In a speech to numb-minded followers, also known as Democrats, Mr. Chicoine addressed the state this past Friday. "I've heard people attacking me for my entire life," Mr. Chicoine began, a pink piece of meat hanging from the side of his mouth. "They would say, 'Joe, you can't be so incredible handsome,' 'Joe, you can't change the world by yourself,' 'Joe, you can't eat human flesh.' Well, I've got only one thing to say to that:

"Braaaaaaaaaaains!"

The crowd erupted in raucous applause, chanting Chicoine's catchphrase, "Brains," over and over. Raising his hand to calm the enthusiasm, Chicoine continued.

"Like many of you, years ago I would make excuses when it came to who I was. Gluten, as you know, makes you crave the living flesh of homo sapiens; for years I avoided the stuff." Chicoine paused to load jeers and boos. "But then the day came," Joe continued, drool beginning to form at the side of his mouth.

"I was at a gluten rave. I tried to resist the temptation, but I caved to peer pressure, and I have been always been happy that I did. It is a valuable lesson: always do what others want you too, or you won't fit in, which is the most important thing in life. But once that gluten touched my tongue," Joe began, as the audience audibly groaned, "oh yes.

"So I must say, and believe, and live: Ich bein ein zombie."

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Chicoine Preparing Senate Run

RENSSELAER, NY--

After months of fervent speculation, Rensselaer resident Joseph Chicoine VIII announced late last night that he was planning on challenging Senator Kirsten Gillebrand for her junior United States Senate seat.

"I want to let everybody know that there's a new sheriff in town." Chicoine shouted from his deck at 3:30 a.m. local time. "I'm here to clean up Washington-- all by myself if I have to."

Chicoine reportedly has been contemplating the run since his successful attempt to secure a seat on the Sherman Hall Government at the State University of Oneonta in September 2008.

"I've served the residents of Sherman Hall well for the last ten months. I have made sure that every student received not one, but two stress balls with the college counseling center information on them. In addition, I have made sure that less money is eaten by the vending machines."

Chicoine made the impromptu announcement in front of a crowd of three squirrels and an insomniac neighbor who happened to be sitting on her deck at the time. Joe was attired in his underwear and Boston Red Sox shirt.

"I think he made a convincing case," neighbor Sally Klein told the New York Times, "He came across as confident and ready to beat Gillebrand."

Chicoine's comments were especially strong on the topic of food products. "We must immediately plan to ban all gluten products!" Chicoine said, to which he then air-guitared for three minutes. "And we must make sure that milk is no longer served in our public schools."

Chicoine is planning to launch his political committee next week. He has stated that he has "at least three human supporters." Political experts estimate that Chicoine has up to seven dollars in his warchest. Through gluten-free brownie and lemonade sales, he may rack up another eleven in the coming months.

"Chicoine's a juggernaut." said NYU law professor Sam Rinman, "Many people will underestimate him to their own peril. When he ran for Sherman Hall government, he won handily in the unopposed race. He's also made very clear that he will not raise taxes on anyone, unless they eat gluten or milk products."

Chicoine is expected to bring on his staff some of the brightest names in New York politics, including former governor Horatio Seymour, who served as a Democratic governor from 1863 to 1864. Other advisors are expected to be Joe's roommates at Oneonta and members of his gang, the Snakess.

Constitutional questions have arisen, especially over Chicoine's age. Chicoine, being 20, is not allowed to serve as a US Senator. However, Chicoine scoffs at the calls of ineligibility. "I'm old enough to serve as a batboy for the Tri City Valley Cats, so I'm old enough to be Senator. 'Nuff said."

"I'm here for New York." Chicoine said. "I'm not leaving anytime soon."

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