Saturday, August 28, 2010

Chicoine Blasts Gillibrand Over Gluten Abuse

The Chicoine 2010 Senate campaign has taken another dramatic turn with a mass email flooding from Joseph H. Chicoine's (D-NY) campaign office. His office, or his dorm room at SUNY Oneonta, has been circulating "proof" that opponent and incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has been "lying to the American people" and has been "guzzling gluten like Obama did donations from BP."

According to Joe, who recently launched a campaign website, Gillibrand's days of "bitching up" New York are coming to an end. Sources in the Chicoine campaign claim that photos have been taken purporting Mrs. Gillibrand walking out of a bakery with two loaves of bread.

Billy at a Press Conference
"She's been buying so much of this narcotic with our tax dollars!" said campaign spokesman and runningmate Billy the Goat. "I'm so tired of that whore going around acting like New York is just some treadmill for her to run her flab on."

According to Chicoine Gillibrand "must consume 2-3 kilos of the stuff a day. That explains her fat ass."

Gillibrand's campaign has largely ignored Chicoine, claiming that they do not know who he is or why he hates her so much. Gillibrand famously challenged Joe to a debate to which he replied "get the fuck out of my face, I almost have $10,000 in Farmville." Gillibrand operatives are also suspected in the now-infamous "muffin Sunday" in which Joe was almost brutally murdered.

Despite Joe's hefty endorsements and massive war chest, it would appear that the race outcome is uncertain. Chicoine claims a large lead in the polling, but Gillibrand supporters point out that Joe conducted that poll by handing out $50 bills and shouting, "Who do you like!?!"

The primary is next month and Joe asks that voters of both political parties vote for him in their respective primaries. Celebrations are BYOB that night at SUNY Oneonta and all are invited (no albinos, please.)

For all of your Joe for Senate needs:

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