Sunday, July 18, 2010

Joe Hires FDR, Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt in Senate Race Dream Team


SENATE CANDIDATE JOSEPH H. CHICOINE raised the stakes dramatically on Sunday night, announcing a massive hiring effort in his campaign to challenge incumbent New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic primary.

Standing in front of Schumaker Hall at SUNY Oneonta, Chicoine laid out his eight-point plan for victory.

"I have assembled the finest minds in American political life to assist me in my efforts to send Kirsten Gillibrand back to hell." Several passing orientation students proceeded to rip up their acceptance letters to the college.

Chicoine reportedly laid out $6.37 in his efforts, hiring former President Franklin Roosevelt as his communications director and Richard M. Nixon as his keeper of confidential information.

"I'm sure that President Nixon will take care of things." Chicoine said, citing earlier polls which place him in a hefty lead. "He will be in charge of my most intimate secrets, such as my 5-alarm chili recipe and my penchant for speaking with a British accent during weekends."

Former President Theodore Roosevelt will take care of security detail for the candidate, which has grown stricter since an assassination attempt last month. Roosevelt is said to be willing to spear Gillibrand if she attempts to kill Joe with poison darts, just as he knife-fought a cougar.

"He can take on this cougar," Joe said, "Meee-ow!"

None of the hired officials attended Chicoine's press conference, except for former President Millard Fillmore, whose bones were scattered at Joe's feet.

"I'm going back to Sherman Hall and am writing up my manifesto-- Gillibrand will be sorry she ever messed with the Joemeister!"

For all of your Joe for Senate needs.

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Aurelius said...

He's got my vote!

Editor said...

If only that assassination attempt got that son of a gun!

Alezend said...

Sadly he is one of our brighter futures.

Anonymous said...

What happened to the satires that were intended to cause knee-jerk reactions and spread rumors like wildfire?

Have you lost your disrespect for fellow conservatives?

Editor said...

Dear Anon,
You can feel free to spread this article as "true" if you think Rush will talk about it.

We've always been a mostly factual site with occasional (marked) satire. Just sos you know.

Anonymous said...

You're not getting away that easily, Matthew AKA Orfannkyl. I've seen your name all over the internet posting these same satire stories, never bothering to correct the people who believe them as fact, and even jumping into the comments section urging people to spread the story far and wide.

What does this all tell me? You like to spread rumors and watch knee-jerk reactions. You're a prankster first and foremost. The satire marking on most of those stories is meant as a fallback more than anything else.

Editor said...

Dear Anon--

Good point. Keep reading our blog.

Alezend said...

So if he is the prankster you must be the fool.

Anonymous said...

Nope, this guy is the fool: