ONEONTA, NEW YORK- In the culmination of rampant rumors concerning the 2010 Senatorial Race, Joseph Chicoine, running for his first term, is defending his zombie platform.
In a speech to numb-minded followers, also known as Democrats, Mr. Chicoine addressed the state this past Friday. "I've heard people attacking me for my entire life," Mr. Chicoine began, a pink piece of meat hanging from the side of his mouth. "They would say, 'Joe, you can't be so incredible handsome,' 'Joe, you can't change the world by yourself,' 'Joe, you can't eat human flesh.' Well, I've got only one thing to say to that:
The crowd erupted in raucous applause, chanting Chicoine's catchphrase, "Brains," over and over. Raising his hand to calm the enthusiasm, Chicoine continued.
"Like many of you, years ago I would make excuses when it came to who I was. Gluten, as you know, makes you crave the living flesh of homo sapiens; for years I avoided the stuff." Chicoine paused to load jeers and boos. "But then the day came," Joe continued, drool beginning to form at the side of his mouth.
"I was at a gluten rave. I tried to resist the temptation, but I caved to peer pressure, and I have been always been happy that I did. It is a valuable lesson: always do what others want you too, or you won't fit in, which is the most important thing in life. But once that gluten touched my tongue," Joe began, as the audience audibly groaned, "oh yes.
"So I must say, and believe, and live: Ich bein ein zombie."
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