Joseph Henry Chicoine IV, who shocked the world two months ago by taking an early lead in the Democratic primaries over incumbent Senator Kirsten Gillebrand, held a highly successful fundraiser last night.
Held in the basement of SUNY Oneonta's Sherman Hall, the fundraiser was attended by "up to three people." The dorm was largely empty as it is vacation on the SUNY campus. Chicoine, whose parents did not pick him up for break (and if they did, then Joe who is reading this should post some articles) was dressed to impress with a tuxedo and tri-cornered hat.
"It was a great day," said Chicoine, "I was there-- and that kid who never sleeps was staring at me while I made my speech. One of the janitors even asked 'why the hell' I was on campus still."
Chicoine made a speech railing against Gillebrand, calling her a "prostitute for Big Gluten." He also pointed out that Gillebrand votes consistently with President Obama, who admitted recently that he had an "experimental" relationship with the substance.
"I'm sick and tired of people who say that if they do not like gluten that somehow they are unpatriotic!" Joe shouted in the study room, "If you eat gluten you hate America!"
That weird kid without eyelids that doesn't sleep reportedly gave Joe a crisp $5 bill with his phone number on it. One of the janitors also gave Chicoine 35 cents she found in the back of one of the dryers. Joe also found 17 cents in one of his pockets and sold some of his autoimmune medication for another $2.
"We're going to beat that whore come the primaries," Joe said in an interview with JiP. When asked if he had actually filed papers for the August primaries, Chicoine simply said, "Oh, shit. That's bad, right?"
Joe announced his bid for the Senate last July, since promising an end to all war and a "unicorn in every garage." Chicoine has not backed off his support of zombism, despite his support for pro-brain legislation.
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