Joseph H. Chicoine, 20, of Renssalear, New York escaped alive after a crazed lunatic made an attempt on his life. Chicoine is attempting to unseat incumbent first-term Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the New York Democratic primary in August. Chicoine shocked followers of politics around the country this week by picking up the weighty and surprising endorsement of South Carolina Senatorial candidate Alvin Greene. Chicoine has been increasing his already formidable warchest and has taken an early lead in polling.
However, despite all of the early headway in the campaign, the race took a tragic turn last night as Chicoine was campaigning in Utica.
"I was waving to oncoming traffic," Chicoine told the Utica Tribune, "I was getting a lot of honks and people often slammed on their brakes to show support. But then, out of nowhere, some whackjob came up and threw a muffin at me. It looked like it had a bite in it or something. I barely dodged the errant foodstuff right before it almost grazed my tongue.
"And you know what would happen if that occured."
Chicoine is unable to consume gluten or it would give him a state of almost narcotic euphoria. The condition is considered particularly severe especially in the light of Kanye West's horrific almost-fatal gluten overdose last year. Gluten was also blamed for Joe's bizarre pro-Zombie outburst last year.
"The last time I consumed gluten I danced naked on top of the Hunt Union building for six hours." Joe said, referring to a building on the SUNY Oneonta campus where he is a pre-law student. "The tried to get me down but instead I kept screeching and screeching."
The assassination attempt is considered just another barrage in an already tense primary. Joe has regularly referred to Senator Gillibrand as a "whore slut-dog" in almost all of his 118 public speeches and when asked about Joe's camapaign, Gillibrand allegedly asked, "Who?"
"Well, I'll tell you who!" Chicoine said in a May 19th stopover at downtown Syracuse's Pawn Your Memories store, "This is Joe Chicoine, ready to give you your walking papers. So get ready, horseface, cause I'm coming to knock you off your throne then take you out for dinner cause you're kinda attractive like that. Then I got on the bus."
Despite all of the bizarre statements of the Chicoine campaign, Chief of Staff Michael [last name withheld at his request] said, "Joe is going to win this. That is, if they don't stuff all of the ballot boxes."
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