After months of fervent speculation, Rensselaer resident Joseph Chicoine VIII announced late last night that he was planning on challenging Senator Kirsten Gillebrand for her junior United States Senate seat.
"I want to let everybody know that there's a new sheriff in town." Chicoine shouted from his deck at 3:30 a.m. local time. "I'm here to clean up Washington-- all by myself if I have to."
Chicoine reportedly has been contemplating the run since his successful attempt to secure a seat on the Sherman Hall Government at the State University of Oneonta in September 2008.
"I've served the residents of Sherman Hall well for the last ten months. I have made sure that every student received not one, but two stress balls with the college counseling center information on them. In addition, I have made sure that less money is eaten by the vending machines."
Chicoine made the impromptu announcement in front of a crowd of three squirrels and an insomniac neighbor who happened to be sitting on her deck at the time. Joe was attired in his underwear and Boston Red Sox shirt.
"I think he made a convincing case," neighbor Sally Klein told the New York Times, "He came across as confident and ready to beat Gillebrand."
Chicoine's comments were especially strong on the topic of food products. "We must immediately plan to ban all gluten products!" Chicoine said, to which he then air-guitared for three minutes. "And we must make sure that milk is no longer served in our public schools."
Chicoine is planning to launch his political committee next week. He has stated that he has "at least three human supporters." Political experts estimate that Chicoine has up to seven dollars in his warchest. Through gluten-free brownie and lemonade sales, he may rack up another eleven in the coming months.
"Chicoine's a juggernaut." said NYU law professor Sam Rinman, "Many people will underestimate him to their own peril. When he ran for Sherman Hall government, he won handily in the unopposed race. He's also made very clear that he will not raise taxes on anyone, unless they eat gluten or milk products."
Chicoine is expected to bring on his staff some of the brightest names in New York politics, including former governor Horatio Seymour, who served as a Democratic governor from 1863 to 1864. Other advisors are expected to be Joe's roommates at Oneonta and members of his gang, the Snakess.
Constitutional questions have arisen, especially over Chicoine's age. Chicoine, being 20, is not allowed to serve as a US Senator. However, Chicoine scoffs at the calls of ineligibility. "I'm old enough to serve as a batboy for the Tri City Valley Cats, so I'm old enough to be Senator. 'Nuff said."
"I'm here for New York." Chicoine said. "I'm not leaving anytime soon."
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