Friday, June 5, 2009

Obama to Nominate 'Apology Czar'

WASHINGTON- Following in line with appointing an internet czar, pay czar, and car czar, President Obama today announced his intentions to nominate a so-called 'apology czar.'

As with other czars, this nominee would be in direct contact with the President, making certain jobs easier. In this case, the apology czar would map out where Obama would go and what he would apologize for.

In a press release, the White House detailed specific responsibilities of this new post: "The man or woman accepted to this position would coordinate proactively with groups that deserve an apology from the United States. Each group can apply for an apology via email, letter, or text message.

"Any people, nation, or ethnic group will be thoroughly investigated to verify what America did to it and when. If it is found that our nation sufficiently hurt or by any means insulted the applicant, a structured attempt to apologize to them will be planned. Regardless of the matter, the President will always apologize in person."

"Things are looking good," said Greg Scott, a secretary for President Obama. "We've already had dozens of requests. I mean, we've got a request from North Korea, Nazis who survived World War II, and poor people who want more benefits."

Speaking to the media on Thursday, President Obama made his case for Henry Harrison, whom Obama plans to nominate. "Henry is clearly the best man for this job," the President began. "He can get on his knees and beg forgiveness. Seriously, he can gravel and kiss ass like the best of them, and that's exactly what we need.

"Can he apologize to Hugo Chavez? No problem. Can he apologize to Mahmud Ahmadinejad? With ease. Heck, Henry here is so good at apologizing, he can apologize to himself!" The crowd at hand erupted in laughter, but fell dead silent when it became apparent that the President wasn't joking.

The nominee is slated to come in front of Congress this coming July.


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