Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Adventures of Dr. Phineas Shenanijoe

Jumping in Pools has recently acquired, at great costs, the original manuscripts of the famed 19th Century inventor and scientist, Dr. Phineas Shenanijoe. We will bring you portions of his diary and books each Tuesday until we run out. Then we might just make up stuff. Who knows?

Chapter the First
January 16, 1823

'Twas a merry day near Nottinshire yesterday. The sun was shining brightly as the town hadn't committed a sin in a fortnight. Silently I lay in my bed, thinking of the machinations of so-called "science." Having graduated from the College of Saint Rose with a Doctorate in Ancient Linguistics in '21, I have been a most slothful fellow, only working 14 hours per day! The surprise of it all! And to make matters worse, I have been working just six days a week. Last year, I even had the audacity to take off on Christmas morning! My headmaster was mighty sauced about the whole affair. Fortunately he only docked my pay a farthing and I am able to live about still.

It was an interesting childhood for me, growing up in an orphanarium. My parents were debtors and when I was six, my younger sister was sold to work in the factories. My older brother became a whaler in the North Sea. My parents were thrown in jail and I was placed in Sir Robert Darwin's Orphanarium, where I lived until I was 13. At that age, I was ready to enter the workingplace, although it was later than most.

My first job was in the looms. I was fortunate to have only lost two fingers during that time. My pay was very good, as with a day's wages I was almost able to purchase a full tripe sandwich, which I ate with the vigor of a Chinaman!

Ever the adventurist, I was once overheard asking if the Earth revolved around the sun! You could say that the local parish priest was not too happy about such drivel. But I made out lucky, with just a few lashes and a brand in the hindquarters.

And now I look for new adventure, ready to set out on a new life. Being one of the few in the village that can read, I am ready to take on the world and explore from the factories of Birmingham to the docks of Scapa Flow! The entire world awaits!

PS-- Came down with dysentery last week.


Editor said...

Dr. Joe is my hero!

Aurelius said...

Is this real, because it sure isn't funny.