Conservative News and Reporting
'News for the Rest of Us'
Defense Secretary Robert Gates is extremely concerned over intelligence reports that American stockpiles of funk have reached record lows. It is estimated that the levels, which dropped below 'fly' last week, could reach as low as 'jive.'
These deficits are believed to be caused by the election of the United States' first celebrity President, who graces TMZ and People more than Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie's breasts.
"This is beyond words," said the Defense Secretary, "If this keeps up, our domestic production of funk could fall to just 50,000 kilofunks this year. At this rate, we'd be dependent on foreign-produced funk."
The top funkologist at the University of Hip has explained the funk deficit. "The biggest producers of funk outside the United States are Spain, Argentina, and Iran. Iran alone provides one-third of the world's funk supply through traditional means, such as goat dances and American flag cook-ins."
President Obama is attempting to fix the funk gap. He has instituted a mandatory statute for all Americans to 'get down' this year at least twice. He has also called for the increased usage of break dancing.
"This is a momentous day," said Gates, "When we can meet our challenges by putting on our platform shoes and getting funky."
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