Dead Groundhog Portends Apocalypse

It's a cherished tradition on February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. A groundhog named Phil pops his furry little head out of the ground and tells us whether or not we'll have six more weeks of winter or if spring will come early.

Well, that's come to an end this year. Punxsutawney Phil did appear out of his little hole this morning, only to keel over dead, grasping his little rodent chest.

"I don't know what happened." said Hannah Jerome, 11, "We were here with the entire elementary school when the funny-looking cat shrieked and feel into the dirt. When our teacher went to go look, she started to cry and shouted that it was 'one of the signs.'"

While Biblical scholars may be divided about a lot of things, one of the clear signals of the Apocalypse, as written by St. John of Lemnos was that a small groundhog would die, portending the rise of Satan.

"I done know who done did this!" shouted local preacher Kenneth Lambeau, "It was that Obama! I done told you that he's them anti-Christ!"

The death of Punxsutawney Phil was a tragedy for the small Pennsylvania town, otherwise known for an offensive sulfur smell. Phil was a mainstay of the community. When asked if the town could get a new groundhog, spokeswoman Kay Rainwater said, "Punxsutawney Phil was born of magic and happiness and has been alive for thousands of years. We can't just replace him."

The death of the groundhog appears to be one of the many appearing signs of the End Times. Among these include the removal of the Baconator from Wendy's menu, the rise of reality television, and the appearance of Jack Black.

"We need to take the biggest shovel we done got and build us a whole fifty cubits deep!" shouted Lambeau, "Repent, the end is at hand!"


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