In the last installment of this two part series, I shared with you some survival skill to survive the impending Obamaclipse and the Obamean Winter following it. I am back once again to share with you stragies for success in the harsh times coming ahead. Now remember these only work if you carry them out. And remember, smashing Obama shaped fudge statues IS therapedic for the soul and mind.
Ok, here are your tips for survival to add on to my first ten. The first ten are like the 10 commandments of survival, these are more like principles it would be a good idea to follow:
1. Save as much money as you can. You are going to need it to pay your new friends, the jihadis to buy things that go bang and boom. Things that go pop are not allowed. Now they are going to try and con you on the deal. That's ok, because they really is no use for the money they're getting anyway. They are going to die of plague and starvation and go meet thier virgins long before the realize how stupid they were. Pray that they are not as stupid in the afterlife as they were in real life.
2. Be ready AT ALL TIMES for an attack by the Obaminable monster, creater of the Obamaclipse and the following Obamean winter. He will eat your children if you are not careful. If you need help identifying him, look for a great ape-like beast with huge ears, that says things like "I'm running for mayor of the U.S" and "My grandfather was a ninja turtle", and (my person favorite) "We don't have to worry about the cost of my federal programs because at my last visit to Long John Silver's I got a map to pirate treasure." (Yes he actully did say these things, go check it out.
3. Remember, when confronted by the great Obaminable monster, scare tactics work. Just say things like "I'm for offshore drilling!" or "Let's put Bush back in the White House!", though the best phrase to use is this: (In a ghostlike manner) "You're looosing popularittty, Your ecooooonomic plan suuuucks, Even Acooorn and Colin Powwwell haaates you!" Trust me, It works, I have had to use a few times, and escaped with only a few cuts and bruises, because I'm so tough and awesometasic (my made up word. You steal it I come for your head, liberal or not here I come!)
4. Remember, Put up as many conservative propaganda posters on your cave as you can. The Obaminable monster will not come near with those up unless he's really hungry for conservative flesh. Just remember though, Rush Limbuah posters have the opposite effect. Because he is so dumb, he draws the Obamaminble monster closer, no matter how many conservative posters you have. So.. NO RUSH LIMBAUH POSTERS!! EVER!!
5. Lastly, but most certainly not least, make absolutely sure that your family and friends you are not turning liberal. If they do, it's ok though. You can cover the person in question in Obama posters and send them out to be eaten, If they return alive, you know they are liberal, and you must kill them before they bite you and pass on the Obamacillis Virus, causing Liberilcitosiscorposismanasis.
SO LETS RECAP HERE WHAT I HAVE SAID IN MY MESSAGES (1 and 2)
- Do not leave the cave.
- Do not let in strangers
- Pack conservative literature
- Leave behind liberal friends
- Remember, the Obaminable monster is watching.
- Teach future children to debate against liberals just in case.
- Follow the principles of the big three: O'Reilly, Hannity and Savage
- If they start to turn Liberal use them for Obamanible monster bait.
- make friends with Jihaddis
- Save money for transactions with gullible Jihaddis
- Always be ready for an attack
- Use scare tactics if confronted with the Obaminable monster
- Put up conservative propoganda on your cave,
- Use liberal leaning cave-friends for Obaminable monster bait.
If bit by a liberal leaning cave-friend, you will come down with Liberilcitosiscorposismanasis. So stay clear.
Test thier loyalty by using them for bait, if they come back with thier life, end it with gun or knife
and finally, for those of you that are a little slow, less intelligent areas of the U.S and globe:
OBAMINABLE MONSTER CAUSES OBAMACLIPSE WHICH LEADS TO THE OBAMEAN WINTER AND THE SPREAD OF THE UNCURABLE DISEASE LIBERALCITOSISCORPUSOSISMANASIS, A STRAIN OF THE OBAMACILLIS FAMILY.
Follow these steps and you shall survive!
Brought to you by the follwing sponsors:
Republican National Committee
Ralph Nader, 2012 comittee ("16th time is the lucky charm!)
Jumpinginpools.com ("Even in the Obamean winter, we still have nothing better to do")
Matt Avitable for President 2012 commitee
Coca-Cola (Feel refreshed! Keep it in your cave!)
The Boston Red Sox ("Can Obama please eat the Yankees so we can finally win the Series?")
Bill Clinton ("Please re-elect me! I promise I'll only have 2 mistresses this time!")
Marlboro Cigarettes ("Would you rather die of Obamean Winter than cancer? Seriously?")
Bob's Plumbing ("Obama really did plug the hole!")
U.S ARMY ("We train hard, but this guy is too tough for us")