My fellow Americans, today is a pale day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "zombie", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually eat.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces pink and delicious challenges like never before. Our economy is mindless. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for bra-ains. Our healthcare system is drool inducing. If your sweet, sweet brain is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a Zombie. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a gluten blood. But munching together we can right this ship, and set a course for Oneonta.
Finally, I must thank my yummy family, my bloody campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Zombie Organization for Missing Brains and Intense Eating (ZOMBIE) for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of nawing the American people. Without your fabulous efforts, none of this would have been possible.
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