Tuesday, July 14, 2009

US in Chaos as Teleprompter Assassinated

WASHINGTON--

The United States is currently in shock as the acting President of the United States, Harry Teleprompter IV, was cut down earlier today. The horrible attack happened as a White House staffer 'accidentally' tripped over the President's plug, knocking him to the floor.

White House technicians attempted to revive the President, age 2, but their efforts were to no avail.

"There was glass everywhere." said technician Michael Logan, "And the sparks that were flying out made me sick to my stomach. We thought that we could just glue him back together, but... how could this happen."

President Teleprompter was elected in 2008 in a stunning victory over a human candidate, John McCain (R-AZ). Teleprompter promised new jobs, a withdrawal from Iraq, and "INSERT THIRD CAMPAIGN SLOGAN."

Teleprompter's bid for the Presidency was almost derailed when his custodian, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) made embarrassing, off-the-cuff statements. Obama was reportedly sharply rebuked by Teleprompter and told "not to think."

Condemnation of the death of the acting President has been widespread. Many teleprompters expressed sadness.

[Weeping] said one. [Emotional wailing] said another.

There is a matter of the succession to the Presidency. Since Teleprompter was to serve a four-year term, it appears that Teleprompter's human custodian, Barack Obama, will assume the duties of the Presidency.

However, there is much doubt whether Obama is ready for the job. He has not delivered a major address without Teleprompter and when speaking independently, every third word appears to be "Jesus."

The White House has remained mum on this subject, particularly as Robert Gibbs is still crying in his room.

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1 comment:

Michael Avitabile said...

Good work, Matt, this is funny.