Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Olbermann: Bush Behind Chappaquiddick

Senator Edward Kennedy's death at the age of 77 has created a veritable firestorm of media coverage. From loving reviews to scathing critiques, Kennedy was certainly one of the most important politicians of the twentieth century.

One of the most fervently talked about incidents in his life was the Chappaquiddick incident in which his young, pregnant, intern Mary Jo Kopechne died tragically in a car accident. Kopechne drowned as Kennedy swam to safety. It is widely believed that the incident severely damaged Kennedy's 1980 bid for the White House.

While most reports, and Kennedy's own admission, place Kennedy at the scene, others in the media have put forth different perspectives. The most telling of these has been MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann, who took fifteen minutes out of last night's broadcast for a 'Special Comment.'

Rather than lauding Kennedy's long life in public service, Olbermann instead pushed a radical, and yet unheard conspiracy theory. Olbermann stated, "For decades, Senator Kennedy was blamed for the tragic death of his beautiful intern. They said that he had had an affair. They said that he got her pregnant. And worst of all, they said that he killed her.

"But what if none of this is true?" Olbermann then gave the camera a quizzical look and took off his glasses. "Instead, information has leaked from former White House Counsel John Dean, a frequent guest on Countdown, that instead, a young, drunken fratboy named George W. Bush, instead killed Miss Kopechne in an attempt to frame the good Senator.

"The son of a Texas Congressman, the young Bush thought that he could do what he wanted. And so at the CIA's directive, he carried on an affair with Kopechne, impregnated her, and proceeded to drive her off a cliff. The younger Bush then knocked out Kennedy and fooled him into thinking that he drove that car that fatal drive."

Olbermann then put on a solemn fact, interposed with a picture of Bush in a Ku Klux Klan outfit. "Why would the future 'President' do such an inhumane and cruel act? Countdown has found no evidence other than the indisputable and transcending message that George W. Bush is an asshole, and that he once made a joke in front of my former wife and myself, causing me to go off and cry and him to 'console' her in the back of his 1978 El Camino. Why, George, why!?"

Olbermann then proceeded to sob on air for ten minutes, making sure that the crew did not cut to commercials. He continued sobbing, punctuated with, "Marcia, he's not worth it! Whhhhyyy!?!"

Olbermann could not be reached for comment, although a member of his staff quoted him as shouting to himself, "And how can you say he was bigger than me!?"

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Anonymous said...

As James Taranto would say... "Mary Jo Kopechne is not available to comment."

Can a crew in white uniforms with a strait jacket please take Olbermann to a psychiatric ward.

derek demos said...

This is terrible. Did I miss something? She was probably rapped and then left to drown and die. The Kennedys are notorious for coming such crimes. Hate to say it, but it’s true