ARLINGTON, VA-- Recent numbers chronicling the divorce rate have shown some startling results. In fact, the results are so prevalent, they appear to be part of a nation-wide trend. Numbers show that the number of divorces among legally married couples have skyrocketed 20.3% between January 1st 2008 and July 1, 2009 as compared to the previous 18-month period.
While the United States still has a relatively low divorce rate compared to European nations, the trend is still immense. According to statisticians, this 'Concentrated Obama Nationwide Divorce Overall Meta-trend' is caused by various factors, but many relating to the meteoric rise of President Barack Obama.
According to many of the divorce records, especially in states carried by the President last year, much of it has to do with volunteers for the nationwide campaign. Some report that the increase separation due to 'excessive and blind campaigning' led to increased alienation. Similar records reveal that after a loved one campaigned for the then-Senator, when they would return they would be 'naive to the point of physical pain.'
In addition, this trend was not always caused by married people campaigning too much. Often it was found that parents with a college-age student who campaigned for Obama were often stressed by their nonsensical rhetoric upon returning.
"It got really bad in September, during the time when Obama was behind in the polls." said Polly Leeder, of Los Angeles, "Our daughter Dakota would come back from these rallies explaining to us how selfish we were and how capitalism was destroying the world. Then she'd hop into the Mercedes we bought her to go on a spending spree to look good at the last rally. Finally my husband, who was a former Marine, had enough and left."
Much of the trend also had to do with infidelity. Studying the records found that many middle-aged men who worked on the campaign often had affairs with female volunteers who were mainly 18-25. Although many of these volunteers had too-wide faces and thick, unattractive glasses, the male volunteers found them surprisingly 'easy.' In fact, it appears that the majority of middle-aged men who volunteered for Obama last year did so to attract women. The only downside is that they found that once they slept with a female counterpart, they would not "fucking shut the fuck up, those fucking condescending fucktards" according to one man who woke up to have "Save the Rainforest" tattooed on his forehead.
In addition, many of the affairs affected wives too. Many of the suburban soccer moms were led astray by the college-age males in the volunteer groups. Even though these males were often considered "meatheads" they were more than willing to have an affair with a 40-something mother who recently had botox to continue to feel attractive.
Christian conservative groups were swift to condemn the trend. According to Reverend James Hancock of Bethesda, MD: "That there Obama is destroying this great nation. We need to make sure that if you work on one of those liberal campaigns you wear a chastity belt to prevent going to hell."
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