Friday, August 7, 2009

Olbermann Admits he is Gay, in Love with Glenn Beck

NYC, NBC HEADQUARTERS- In stark contrast from his usual cool and collected persona, Keith Olbermann made a startling admission in the middle of his highly successful show, Countdown, last night.

"I've been living a lie," Olbermann spouted while coming back from a commercial break. Several moments of silence passed until his production manager could audibly be heard asking if he wanted to continue with his show. "I'll do whatever I want, I'm Keith Olbermann," the host shouted back.

Following the outburst, the primetime anchor stared into the camera for upwards of thirty seconds. Olbermann then continued, "And now today's worst people in the...oh God help me."

Tears then began to trickle down his face. "Cut, cut," Olbermann yelled, but to no avail. "I'm Keith Olbermann and I said cut! Do you know who I am?" Countdown, however, had just returned from a series of commercials, and could not go off-air so soon.

"Fine, you think you're funny, not listening to me? You want to know why I'm so upset," screamed Olbermann, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at the camera. "I'm in love, that's why. Go ahead, laugh, because I'm in pain."

His lip quivering, Olbermann continued. "And who? God, who is right. My enemy, the worst person in the world today. Glenn Beck. Can you believe that crap? I just...God, I just don't know.

"I had him on the television the other night and I couldn't stop watching. His mannerisms, his voice, his gentle face. I was just smitten. His show is just so...fabulous." Olbermann paused. "I didn't even know I was gay."

The totally not egocentric host then continued his program, counting off his list of the "Worst People in the World" of the day. Lou Dobbs and Chuck Norris were "Worse and Worser," while Glenn Beck was declared the worst person in the world for "making me, Keith Olbermann, turn like a quarter flipped in the air."

Olbermann then looked around for a crumpled piece of paper to throw at a camera, but realized that he already had in anger. He then sighed, saying "I'm Keith Olbermann."

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