Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Battle for Joe Chicoine's Soul: Part 1

In this new series, we pit two sides of Joe against one another. The sides will fight physically, mentally, and philosophically for Joe's very soul. In this encounter, we pit Senator John McCain against President Barack Obama. This seems ideal, considering that they were the latest two-party candidates in the election, but even more, McCain and Obama agree with Joe on some issues, and disagree with him on others. Now, without further delay:

John McCain vs. Barack Obama

Slowly, methodically, Senator John McCain approaches the White House in search of his young rival. He holds in his hand a scrap of paper, a sort of sadistic ransom with two simple phrases, "I have his soul. You know where to find me." McCain looks down and throws the note to the ground in disgust. He knows who has Joe's soul; he knows it is Barack Obama.

He laments the long walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, his emotions almost overflowing into the streets. People look from windows, stop at street corners, stare from cars. Some call to him to turn around and forget; some tell him that Joe isn't worth it; some warn him of the dangers that await him in the White House, but his response is always the same: a simple sneer and the words, "Joe is worth it for me."

Senator McCain thinks back to sipping lemonade on his porch in Arizona. A simple day with hot weather, high humidity, and an unforgiving sun shone upon him as he thought of Washington. Suddenly, a mail courier came running up to the estate, waving a letter in his hand. McCain grimaces with the memory. The letter was marked with a simple John and the ransom was inside.

The Senator spits into the dirt and wipes his brow. He came over as soon as he opened the letter and he came for Joe.

Finally, McCain stops at the base of the White House. It seems to loom over him in the sky, the sun now casting a shadow over him. Approaching the gate, guards yell at McCain to stop. He simply says that he did not come for them. They persist, saying, "No one is allowed to enter." McCain smiles at them.

"Sorry, guys, I've got to get through," McCain laughs, and seemingly vanishes in front of them. Mystified, the guards quickly look around, half intrigued, half horrified. Behind them, the Senator appears. He never disappeared, but his speed was no match for their untrained eyes. He simply squeezes their shoulders, and they collapse, unconscious. "You'll be fine, boys, you'll just be sleeping for a couple of hours," McCain chuckles.

John walks to the fence and realizes it is locked. Instead of seeing if the recently incapacitated officers have keys, he softly put both hands between two bars and pulls. Like hot butter, the fence splits open under the immense strength of the war veteran. McCain easily slips through the opening.

Pondering, our hero walks up to the looming building. "Joe is inside," he thinks to himself. "I must save him."

That concludes Part 1 of The Battle for Joe Chicoine's Soul. Please tune in for Part 2.

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1 comment:

Joe C said...

But I don't have a soul.