Tuesday, June 1, 2010

From the Desk of Eli

Dear Friends,

I have not been posting on jumpinginpools for a very long time as you may have noticed. I apologize, I was trying to figure out how much bigger Obama's head could get. (And does it deflate if you pull his ears?) I figure by the end of his presidency his head will be big enough to cause an eclipse of the sun, to which I am patenting the name Obamaclipse. To prepare for this unfortunate event, which at this point seems to irreversable, gather food, water and other necessary items that one needs to survive (and don't forget your conservative literature!) In order to survive the events following the Obamaclipse, which will cause global climate changes over a period of eons, find your way to the nearest accesible cave and make it liveable. Start now as this occurence is set to happen in just a few years in 2012The Mayans had it right, just not the right cause) All we can do is wait and see if his head will deflate from being rebuked by people whose heads are not full of air. If this does not happen, prepare for the Obamean Winter, which is caused by the Obamaclipse. Just follow these simple guidelines:

1. Do not, under any circumstance leave the cave unless life threating situations apply
2. Do not let in strangers saying, "We just want to take a quick poll"
3. Pack lots of conservative literature to pass down to future generations so we might actually build a new society on it.
4. Leave behind liberal friends. They are a bad influence on children and feeble minded adults.
5. Remember Obama is watching, so don't go outside, or risk being brainwashed as he loudly proclaims his new world order.
6. Teach future children how to debate against liberal propoganda so they are prepared just in case.
7. Follow the principles and doctrine of the three great conservative minds: O'Reilly, Hannity and Savage (Limbaugh is an idiot easily tricked with a donut. Look up "Rush Punked")
8. Remember if they start to hate, use them for Obama bait.
9. Try to make friends with jihaddis, as they will be your main weapons suppliers and allies against the great Obaminable Monster.
10. Use the buddy system. Obama only preys on weak people who are alone. Do it, do it naooow!

This message brought to you you by the following sponsors:

Republican National Committee
Ralph Nader, 2012 comittee ("16th time is the lucky charm!)
Jumpinginpools.com ("Even in the Obamean winter, we still have nothing better to do")
Matt Avitable for President 2012 commitee
Coca-Cola (Feel refreshed! Keep it in your cave!)
The Boston Red Sox ("Can Obama please eat the Yankees so we can finally win the Series?")
Bill Clinton ("Please re-elect me! I promise I'll only have 2 mistresses this time!")
Marlboro Cigarettes ("Would you rather die of Obamean Winter than cancer? Seriously?")
Bob's Plumbing ("Obama really did plug the hole!")
U.S ARMY ("We train hard, but this guy is too tough for us")

and last but not least.. ME!

1 comment:

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