SENATE CANDIDATE JOSEPH H. CHICOINE raised the stakes dramatically on Sunday night, announcing a massive hiring effort in his campaign to challenge incumbent New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand in the Democratic primary.
Standing in front of Schumaker Hall at SUNY Oneonta, Chicoine laid out his eight-point plan for victory.
"I have assembled the finest minds in American political life to assist me in my efforts to send Kirsten Gillibrand back to hell." Several passing orientation students proceeded to rip up their acceptance letters to the college.
Chicoine reportedly laid out $6.37 in his efforts, hiring former President Franklin Roosevelt as his communications director and Richard M. Nixon as his keeper of confidential information.
"I'm sure that President Nixon will take care of things." Chicoine said, citing earlier polls which place him in a hefty lead. "He will be in charge of my most intimate secrets, such as my 5-alarm chili recipe and my penchant for speaking with a British accent during weekends."
Former President Theodore Roosevelt will take care of security detail for the candidate, which has grown stricter since an assassination attempt last month. Roosevelt is said to be willing to spear Gillibrand if she attempts to kill Joe with poison darts, just as he knife-fought a cougar.
"He can take on this cougar," Joe said, "Meee-ow!"
None of the hired officials attended Chicoine's press conference, except for former President Millard Fillmore, whose bones were scattered at Joe's feet.
"I'm going back to Sherman Hall and am writing up my manifesto-- Gillibrand will be sorry she ever messed with the Joemeister!"
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